Time To Consider Opposing Views
We live in an era controlled by the black-and-white school of social thought.
Newsweek magazine, for example, runs a photo of Hillary Rodham Clinton on its cover. The caption reads: “Saint or Sinner?”
Eschewing the notion of a middle ground, conservatives call Clinton a “congenital liar.” Her defenders, meanwhile, mostly just question the motives of any Clinton critic.
The same clash of viewpoints exists in the debate over parenting. Most people are so anxious to state what they believe that they seldom consider opposing views.
But let’s try. And what we’re talking about here is a father’s role in parenting as defined by Jerold Lee Shapiro, a psychologist and author of “The Measure of a Man: Becoming the Father You Wish Your Father Had Been.”
“A father gives his children a set of values, a more stable environment and worldview, self-discipline, a belief in delayed gratification, guidance, some sense of appropriate social behavior with peers and the opposite sex, and the desire for achievement,” Shapiro writes. “To do this successfully, we must gently, yet firmly, confront parental differences. We must risk losing the role of ‘good guy’ in the eyes of our children. We must face the fear of rejection from our wives. We must risk greater amounts of verbal communication.”
Shapiro’s point of view, obviously, keys on the notion that men and women see and do things differently. He places no value judgment on those differences. He believes only that, in any event, they must be paid attention to.
“Generically, we do not play with, hold, discipline, teach or love our children incorrectly,” he writes of men. “We do it in a masculine manner. The most likely way for us truly to do it wrong is to try to be substitute mothers. When we attempt to be female in our approach to our children, we will become second-class mothers. We fail our children by depriving them of a father’s perspective. We also fail ourselves. Many men who feel less adequate or competent either withdraw or express anger, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. In our sullen distance or absence we deprive our children and provide evidence that fathers in fact are second-class parents.”
Love’s Journey: On Feb. 10, Michael Gurian, author and a Spokesman-Review columnist, will offer another all-day workshop on relationships. “Love’s Journey” explores what Gurian sees as the 12 stages of a relationship and is designed, he says, “to inspire singles and couples.”
Costs are $50 per individual, $45 per couple ($60 and $55, respectively, after Feb. 3). Send checks to Deerhawk Enterprises, 703 W. Seventh, Suite 200, Spokane WA 99204. For further information, call 624-1436.
, DataTimes MEMO: Common Ground is written on alternating weeks by Dan Webster and Rebecca Nappi. Write to them in care of The Spokesman-Review, Features Department, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210-1615. Or fax, (509) 459-5098.