If You’re Betting On Deion, Always Take The ‘Over’

The voice was two parts surprise to one part disdain.

“Thought for sure you’d be in Tempe,” it said. “Aren’t you covering the Super Bowl?”

The implication was obvious. The defining sports spectacle of our time - and 70-degree temperatures, to boot - is only a cheap plane ride away and here I am, wondering if what I do to get to the bus stop each day qualifies as ice dancing.

The Super Bowl? Maybe, I replied, if the only alternative was a hot-lead colonic.

But it’d be a tossup.

Let’s be honest - for me, for you, for Paul Tagliabue, the Super Bowl has long since traversed the grand canyon which separates amusement from duty.

So if I must watch it - and watch it I must - I’m going to surround myself with family, friends or outpatients from the Dahmer/Gacy wing of the local lock-up and not risk getting stuck in an auxiliary press box seat between Sparky Mortimer and some scoopaholic from “Inside Edition.”

If God wanted us to suffer in our work, he’d have made us Nate Newton’s ricksha driver.

When I see Satan in line at REI to buy mukluks and pitons, I’ll request Super Bowl credentials.

Now that we’ve established being at a Super Bowl is next to nothingness, let’s focus on how best to get through today’s root canal for the soul.

You’re way ahead of me. Your bets are down.

Much as Tags and his bagmen deny it, the National Football League would quite possibly cease to exist without gambling and its tiresome little brother, the fantasy league.

But as we discovered a few years ago, the sports books in Las Vegas cannot live by point spread alone - not with AFC teams having lost the last 11 Supes by a count of 428-181.

Thus was the gimmick bet born.

See, when Vegas can’t give away enough points to get you to bet on the AFC, it can give you over/under action on the number of field goals that will get kicked, passes that will get intercepted and hips that will get shimmied in the end zone.

A hundred-dollar wager that Deion Sanders will score a TD will score you $210 if he does. Ten dollars on the Steelers holding Emmitt Smith to 25 yards rushing or less will net you $200 if pigs learn to fly.

Naturally, Vegas can’t think of everything. So once again, as a public service, we’ve set the odds on bets that are certain to keep sets tuned to NBC at least until Disney airs “The $1,000,000 Duck” at 4.

Remember, all odds are - unlike the game - for entertainment purposes only.

Odds on viewers mistaking Glen Campbell for Jimmy Johnson during pre-game extravaganza: (even).

Odds on Johnny the Moocher conning Charlton Heston out of his Bud Lite: (1,000-1).

Over-under on number of replays NBC runs from its Deion Cam: (18-1/2).

Over-under on number of replays NBC runs of any other player: (5-1/2).

Odds of Thurman Thomas’ old helmet turning up under the Steelers’ bench: (5-1).

Odds of Cowboys coming to the game: on a team bus (12-1), in separate limos (5-1), in sedan chairs borne by Nike flunkies (even).

Odds, in the event of a Steelers’ victory, of Kevin Greene’s answer to “Where are you going now?” being: “to Disneyland” (5-1), “back to Pittsburgh, you bonehead” (15-1), “to Supercuts” (25-1).

Odds of NBC’s Paul Maguire making fun of Leon Lett’s famous fumble: on the air (even), to his face (100-1).

Odds of Deion Sanders getting beat deep by: Yancey Thigpen (10-1), Kordell Stewart (15-1), Wile E. Coyote (beep-beep-to-1).

Odds of Greg Lloyd’s postgame remarks being: G-rated (7-1), R-rated (even), X-rated (10-to-*!#&!!%@!-1).

Odds of old hippies calling Stephen Stills a sellout when they hear “For What It’s Worth” used in a Master Lock commercial: (1-5).

Odds on the Super Bowl MVP: Emmitt Smith (2-1), Deion Sanders (5-1), Gov. Fife Symington, providing he signs emergency legislation allowing bars to stay open past 1 a.m. (even).

Odds of Barry Switzer calling: the Super Bowl “the Orange Bowl” (already happened, bets off), Tempe “Tucson” (ditto), any plays on fourth down (1,000-1).

Odds of Barry Switzer being fired: if the Cowboys lose (3-1), if Troy Aikman tells Jerry Jones to (2-1), or else (even).

You can contact John Blanchette by voice mail at 459-5577, extension 5509.

, DataTimes The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Blanchette The Spokesman-Review