Sorry, Knee In Crotch Won’t Do

Dear Miss Manners: What can be done to someone who constantly gets in your space? We are not a couple. There are three of us who go to dinner, museums, etc.

The words “Pardon me,” “Move!” “Do you mind?” have no effect. I try to remain calm, but there are times I want to put a knee in his crotch. He never moves to let you pass, so therefore you must go around.

Gentle Reader: Oh, so it’s time for etiquette’s second defense, the old knee trick. Is that what you think?

It is the despair of poor old Miss Manners’ life that those who complain of bad manners in others are so full of violent proposals. Anything to make the world more civilized, they suppose.

Well, no. You haven’t even finished trying politeness.

When the mere words “Excuse me” fail to produce results, they should simply be expanded until the offender finally understands: “Excuse me, please - I need to get by. Brian, would you be so good as to move so that I can get through? Brian? Brian, I don’t want to step on you, so if you would just please move sideways slightly, I can get by.”

Perhaps you think there is little difference between Miss Manners’ threat of stepping on him, and yours of kneeing him. There is a world of difference.

Dear Miss Manners: As a frequent patron of Thai and Indian restaurants, I would like to know the best way to handle the effect that spicy food has on many people.

Watering eyes and reopened sinuses reduce me very quickly to sniveling, as though I had a terrible cold. It seems rude to use a handkerchief in public, but the alternative of excusing myself to go to the restroom every 10 minutes doesn’t seem better.

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners must have known you in a previous era, when you used snuff. There was such a thing in those days as social sneezing.

Now people are more fastidious. Miss Manners does not go so far as to declare that anyone using a handkerchief must leave the table (although anyone in need of a handkerchief who doesn’t have one shouldn’t be allowed out socially at all), but she has heard from enough people who are offended by ordinary noseblowing during dinner to set strict limits.

Anything that cannot be taken care of in one quick wipe should be taken elsewhere.

Dear Miss Manners: One of the gentlemanly things my mother taught me when I went downtown with her was to walk on the street side of the sidewalk so that she walked on the building side. This was supposedly to protect her if a car should splash water, or some such reason.

I live in a city now, instead of the country, and continue to adhere to my mother’s rule but have encountered some problems. Often street people who panhandle or heckle passersby are on the building side, next to my female friend, while I walk protected on the street side.

I must either choose to abandon the rule my mother taught me or allow my female friend to be close to street people, who are generally harmless but can make one feel uncomfortable. Am I trying to walk on the street side when this behavior from men is no longer needed?

Gentle Reader: As you point out, protection on the streets is needed more than ever. So this is no time to abandon your mother’s instructions - a move of which Miss Manners is wary under any circumstances.

But you can adapt the rule to the present situation. This, in fact, is the way etiquette develops - the manners principle (protect your friends) remains the same, while the particulars change.

Miss Manners authorizes your telling a lady, (because innovation is always initially confusing) “I’m going to walk on the inside, to protect you from jostling.”

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate