It’s Something To Learn From

Dear Ann Landers: Not long ago, you printed a letter from Rose Sahli in Carmel, Calif. Rose spoke of how her son had died and she wished family members and friends would talk about him more often. That letter made us think of a poem, “The Elephant in the Room.” It has appeared in your column.

We have been members of The Compassionate Friends, an organization for grieving parents, since our son was killed in an auto accident eight years ago. Matt was 17.

This poem makes it clear that not only is it OK to talk about our dead child but that the references are appreciated because a day never goes by that our child is not in our thoughts. We give this poem to family, friends and co-workers to let them know how we feel. I hope you will find it worth sharing again. - South Windsor, Conn.

Dear Conn.: Thank you for suggesting I use that wonderful poem in my column. I published it in 1993 and received several letters of appreciation. Incidentally, I was among those who had the mistaken notion it is painful for family members to hear references to a loved one who has died. Many readers called me on it, and I know better now. Here is the poem: The Elephant in the Room by Terry Kettering

There’s an elephant in the room.

It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with “How are you?” and “I’m fine” …

And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.

We talk about work.

We talk about everything else - except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.

We all know it is there.

We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.

For, you see, it is a very big elephant.

It has hurt us all.

But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.

Oh, please, say “Barbara” again.

Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death, Perhaps we can talk about her life.

Can I say “Barbara” to you and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, then you are leaving me Alone … In a room …

With an elephant.

Reprinted with permission of Bereavement Publishing Inc., Colorado Springs, Colo.

Dear Ann Landers: You have printed one or two definitions of conservatives and liberals, sent in by readers. I hope you will print mine, which is a bit more offbeat. Actually, it did not originate with me. I read it somewhere, but I can’t remember where.

“A conservative is someone who thinks nothing should be done for the first time.” - K.L.D.

Dear K.L.D.: Thanks for your contribution. I don’t know who said it, but I can assure you several people in my reading audience will know and I’ll be hearing from them.

xxxx