Feeling Stress? Try Coping Like A Real Man

Just in case any doubt remained, a new survey proves that men as a gender are not bright.

Observers of males have already amassed significant anecdotal evidence to support this theory, but now we finally have some scientific numbers.

These numbers come from a survey on “men and stress” conducted by Men’s Health magazine and CNN. Here are some of this survey’s genuine findings.

(My own expert interpretations are in parentheses, my expert qualifications being that I am a man and I know these people.)

26 percent of American men deal with stress by … smoking a cigarette.

(Yes, nurturing a tiny lung cell and watching it grow into a full-sized tumor can be such a relaxing hobby. But when we guys really need to relax, we just grab some nearby asbestos and sniff it directly into our lungs. It saves time.)

29 percent of men deal with stress by sucking down a drink or 10.

(This is our time-honored male way of coping with a broken heart: drinking until we start blubbering incoherently about Monica, how we can’t live without Monica, how we’re not worthy of Monica, how we’re worms beneath the very sandals of Monica, until one of our buddies tells us to shut up, quit bawling and that our girlfriend’s name is Rhonda, not Monica. Right about this time we throw up and get some of it all over our shirt, which, of course, is the most direct male way that men show emotion.)

50 percent of men deal with stress by just plain getting angry.

(We follow the pro athlete’s stress-coping method, which is to scream profanities, spit on the umpire and then violently overturn the water cooler. However, lacking water coolers, most of us usually settle for the second-most satisfying stress reliever, which is to punch a hole through a wall, or better yet, through a window, preferably using the hand that we rely on to make our livings.)

54 percent of men deal with stress by taking a walk to clear the head.

(Yes, but being men, sometimes we never come back.)

62 percent of men say they deal with stress by exercising.

(Unfortunately, this exercise often involves flexing one’s arm muscles very strongly and powerfully in the direction of someone’s face - see “getting angry” item above. You must understand that we often have a very liberal view of what constitutes “exercise.” The definition may well include such activities as crawling down the sidewalk, banging our forehead repeatedly against a door, having sex, jumping up and down on the roof of a compact car, fleeing on foot, singing loudly or pressing down very hard on an accelerator.)

66 percent of men say they deal with stress by talking with others.

(Mostly, we talk to bartenders, bouncers, police officers, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, our porcelain friend, the nice lady who conducts the Breathalyzer test, the nurses in the emergency room, and finally, of course, our buddies who keep telling us to shut up and quit blubbering and that our girlfriend’s name is Rhonda, not Monica.)

And finally, in the coup de grace, 74 percent of men deal with stress by … keeping it to themselves.

(This is the male way of dealing not just with stress, but with life in general, including the most profound human experiences. We simply turn on a televised sporting event and tune everything else out. The sound principle behind this is: If we ignore it, it will go away. On the other hand, it might not go away. It might build and build and build, and multiply and multiply and multiply, until one day we are randomly attacking strangers on the subway with homemade nerve gas bombs. We never know for sure, so sometimes we actually choose not to keep it to ourselves, which explains why we also occasionally take positive action, which, as we have already seen, means getting drunk, angry and sweaty, and then, for good measure, smoking a cigarette.)

, DataTimes MEMO: To leave a message on Jim Kershner’s voice-mail, call 459-5493. Or send e-mail to jimk@spokesman.com, or regular mail to Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review