Cheap Seats

Turn that card down, will ya?

Four Canadians have invented a new kind of sports trading card - one that talks. According to the New York Times, the patented cards have a voice chip, battery and on-off switch sandwiched between the layers of plastic or cardboard. To activate the switch, you squeeze the card, which makes the sound chip play a voice recording, game excerpt or even a team song.

Not to worry, parents. The Albert Belle card comes equipped with the v-chip.

Marriage of convenience, at least for Al

Less than a year ago, Raiders boss Al Davis hosted a warm, fuzzy press conference to tell Oakland how thrilled he was to be back where he belonged and where his heart never left. Now, Davis is suing the NFL for forcing him out of Los Angeles.

It’s all a bit much for Ray Ratto, the San Francisco Chronicle columnist. Writes Ratto: “If I’m a Raiders fan, I’m sitting at a table at Ricky’s in San Leandro nursing a trough-o’brew and thinking, “He never really loved me. He just told me that for his own good time. I feel so cheap … so used.

“I mean, it’s been what, a whole year? Even after a ticket snafu that suggested a group of chimps who failed their SATs, Oakland still produced sellouts that continued through the Raiders’ inspirational six-game gag-o-rama at the end of the season. A whole new breed of fans (and when we say a whole new breed, we speak in the strictest anthropological sense) came out to shower their devotion on a team that did damned little to earn it.

“And now, Davis says he never wanted to be there in the first place. … If Oakland had a father, he’d be stalking Davis with a baseball bat.”

Off-color commentary

So, Charles Barkley, what are the Knicks’ chances?

“Y’all can stick a fork in those brothers,” Barkley said. “Bob Dole has a better chance of becoming president than the Knicks have of getting out of the first round.”

Stunning development

Baltimore Orioles manager Davey Johnson predicted when relief pitcher Randy Myers arrived in camp, he would be wearing camouflage gear and carrying a couple of grenades. Myers proved him wrong, arriving in camouflage gear and carrying a high-voltage stun gun.

He was wearing stripes, so he had to be a ref

A parolee accused of masquerading as an NFL official to occupy several suites at a Milwaukee hotel has been sentenced to serve another two years in prison.

Christopher M. Norling, who was just two days into his parole when he checked into the Pfister Hotel, was also ordered to pay $5,800 in hotel expenses racked up during his six-day stay last month. “This wasn’t a case where some desperate person failed to pay for a bowl of chili or a night in a flophouse,” assistant district attorney Alexander Sklenarz said.

Norling, who had contended he needed three luxurious rooms with big-screen televisions for a series of high-level meetings and film reviewing sessions, apologized and said he was prepared to pay for what he had done.

He’ll just put it on his American Express Card.

The last word …

“In honor of Kerry Kittles, MCI reportedly is creating a new program called Friends & Family & Casual Acquaintances & Total Strangers & Basically Anybody Who Will Answer At The Other End.”

- Los Angeles Daily News columnist Michael Ventre

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo