Interviewers Should Be Polite

Dear Miss Manners: We, the jobless minority, expect to be rejected most of the time. And we do not blame companies for this. However, I have observed a proliferation of ungracious behavior from people with whom I have come in contact during my career quest.

Few people realize that even though they may not be in a position to hire anyone, they can offer much valuable information to job seekers. Information such as contact names, names of companies that they have heard are hiring, critical advice on tactics or detailed information about inroads into a company are sincerely appreciated.

I have faced an onslaught of probing personal questions, such as “What is the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life?” Is the true answer to this question work-related for anyone?

I have been asked questions that seem to beg insincere replies, such as “What is your worst fault?” (I have been advised to respond with a fault that is really a positive characteristic - “I am too much of a perfectionist.”)

This strikes me as dishonest, and I don’t like to engage in competitions in which the dishonest prevail. Interviews are for assessing qualifications and professionalism, not psychology. To discover a person’s true character, try his or her references.

I know that as a job seeker, my etiquette must be superb. I must be on time; I must send prompt thank-you notes; I must burn no bridges. However, I would ask everyone who is faced with the annoyance of inquiries from job seekers to have compassion and consider that today’s job seeker may be tomorrow’s client, or, even worse, tomorrow’s boss.

Gentle Reader: How much worse does unemployment have to get before those with power over job seekers realize that it is not a good idea to misuse their power to be rude because they could easily soon be on the receiving end? This probably sounds as if Miss Manners wrecked the economy so as to get people into the proper frame of mind for learning and appreciating etiquette. She does go to great lengths to make this point, but not that far.

Certainly, she agrees with you that politeness is as essential on the part of the person doing the interviewing as on the part of the person who, being anxious about getting the job, may see a more immediate need to appear to advantage.

She also agrees that suggestions about openings elsewhere are extra polite (not required, but deserving of special credit), and that silly personal questions are outrageous, although this is more likely to come from the rude idea that this relates to job performance than from vulgar curiosity.

But your idea of being given a critique, along with a refusal, is fraught with danger. These people have already failed to distinguish between the personal and the professional. What makes you think they will be able to do so when invited to offer criticism?

The unemployed are badly enough off without being subjected to a barrage of rude personal comments.

Dear Miss Manners: My nephew is getting married for the second time in two months. The first time, I gave him money for a wedding gift, and I plan on doing so this time. My dilemma is whether I should give him the same amount or a lesser amount, because this is number two.

Gentle Reader: Within two months, your nephew gave up on his first marriage, got a divorce, found someone else, and has arranged another marriage? Good gracious. Miss Manners appreciates your continued kindly interest, but can’t help thinking you should avoid precedents that may turn out to be expensive, even, as you suggest, on a downwardly sliding scale.

Fortunately, etiquette is on your side. It keeps declaring - while wedding repeaters try to shout it down - that giving wedding presents, while certainly permissible and charming, is not necessary after the first wedding.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate