Deciding To Forgive A Simple Choice Can Put An End To Unhealthy Resentment Held Against Offender

A Long Beach, Calif., resident recently called and told me a sad story of betrayal by her niece. Then she asked a question that has probably baffled all of us at one time or another: “How can I forgive her?”

The answer I gave her: “Just do it.”

Coincidentally, I had just gone through a difficult situation that called for forgiveness. It involved a person I had considered my best friend. So I was able to speak from the heart:

There is no secret formula to forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision rather than a feeling. It’s a decision to let go of the bitterness and resentment and move on. And it’s a decision that can greatly benefit the person who has been offended or sinned against.

The benefits of forgiveness are primarily spiritual. For Christians, the Bible commands it. Jesus put it pretty bluntly in Matthew 6:14-15 when he said, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive you.”

Forgiveness through Jesus Christ is the essence of a Christian’s relationship to God. For a Christian, not forgiving is considered the height of hypocrisy. (See Matthew 18:21-35.)

While some may be tempted to see forgiveness as a burdensome obligation of their faith, I have learned to view it as an outgrowth of increasing faith. If you believe that God is greater than any negative situation, you are more apt to entrust that situation to him.

If you believe that God is smarter and wiser than you, you are more apt to surrender your desire for revenge to him. If you believe that God is more powerful than you, you are more apt to be confident that even if a person is totally unrepentant about his or her deed, God will judge or punish that person for that deed.

And you believe God’s judgment is divinely designed to fit the offense. A strong faith in God makes it easier to forgive.

Forgiveness has important practical benefits, as well. It gives a person peace, and peace permeates throughout a person’s life - job, family, relationships, etc. - and helps someone function more effectively.

A colleague recently described to me the irony of not forgiving people: It hurts the offended person the most.

“Bitterness and resentment exact the highest price from the person experiencing it,” he said. That price is paid in time and energy.

You can spend all your time and energy hating someone for a past offense, when instead you could be focusing on constructive things.

Bitterness also has negative, physical side effects. According to psychologists, these effects include loss of sleep and appetite, high blood pressure, ulcers, headaches, skin rashes and fatigue. So, it is healthier to forgive.

Practically, forgiveness deals with some heavy-duty emotions. But some of those emotions may come from a misunderstanding of what forgiveness is and is not.

Forgiveness is not the excusing or glossing over of an offense. Nor is it a lie: “Oh, that really didn’t bother me.”

It’s a sober consideration of the offense and a decision “in spite of everything to deny anger its power,” said author Rabbi Charles Klein.

And forgiveness is not always a prelude to a happy ending. People still may not acknowledge an offense or the fact that you have forgiven them.

Depending on the seriousness of the offense, there may be no reconciliation, and your relationship with that person may be changed. For example, you can forgive an abusive person, but you don’t have to put yourself in a position where you can be abused again.

In some cases, the space is necessary for the offender’s healing. And if the offense involves a criminal act, that person should pay for the crime.

Because of the deceit involved in my situation, my friend has since cooled her relationship with me. She had said and done some very hurtful things, which left me feeling angry and bitter. However, I forgive her.

I am no longer controlled by bitterness toward her. And I am no longer allowing that experience to hurt my relationship with others or my trust in God.

Forgiveness is easier to give to those who request it. But too often it boils down to a case of you and your hurt feelings. It may take daily prayer to deal with the hurt, but it takes only a decision to forgive.

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