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This week’s gratuitous shot at you know who

Bill Clinton has a huge lead over Bob Dole in the polls, but according to New York Times political correspondent R.W. Apple, the president has been cautioning overly optimistic aides with two words: “Greg Norman.”

Wouldn’t a K mart have been handier?

Atlanta’s No. 5 starter, Jason Schmidt, was sent to the Triple-A farm club in Richmond, Va., to get some work last week, beat Toledo and was back in the Braves clubhouse the next day, even though he will not draw a starting assignment for Atlanta until the first week of June.

“I had to come back and get some jeans,” he explained. “All I had was socks.”

Actually, the start in Richmond was more problematic than that. Warming up, he began experiencing tightness in his shoulder - or rather, shoulders. The problem? It seems he was issued a size-44 jersey, instead of his usual size 48.

And he’s a starter? He should be the ‘clotheser’.

Great moments in sports marketing

The Boston Red Sox’s 1996 magnetic schedule is sponsored by ValuJet Airlines.

Just wanted to remind you to jump far, dear

There was Sheila Hudson, the best female triple jumper in the country, locked in concentration at the head of the runway at the Modesto Relays when an annoying fan kept calling her name - a serious breach of basic track and field etiquette.

The perpetrator: her mother, Sandra Hudson, down from Sacramento with husband Charles for the meet.

“She saw that I’m ready to jump, but she kept calling me,” Hudson said. “I tried to block it out and be professional, but there’s something about your mother calling you.

“I finally gave in and said, ‘Mom, I’ll talk to you in a minute.’ “

And don’t forget to floss

Houston outfielder Derek Bell took advantage of the new fad in Montreal, where fans toss “Oh Henry” candy bars onto the field in honor of hot-hitting Henry Rodriguez. While workers were clearing the field recently, Bell picked up a candy bar and ate it.

We’d like to see him try that at Wrigley Field, where the fans just love Scott Bullett.

Let’s squeeze in a quick 18 at lunch

Richard Cavander-Cole broke the record for golf holes played in a week recently, completing 63 rounds at the Sanctuary Cove resort in Australia.

The 22-year-old played 1,134 holes to top the Guinness Book of Records entry by 13. A left-hander, Cavander-Cole went through eight pair of shoes, had a best of 66 and worst of 104. He had five eagles.

“I felt so pumped up and excited,” said Cavander-Cole, a guest service assistant at the resort. “It is just such a special moment of my life.”

What life?

The last word …

“Do you know what the world’s steadiest employment is? Being a waiter at Magic Johnson’s retirement dinners.”

- Jay Leno

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo