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He shoots up - and scoooores!

Youngsters in Stockton, Calif., are getting 1,205 soccer balls. Their benefactors? An international heroin-smuggling ring.

The balls were among 1,300 soccer balls seized as evidence five years ago. Investigators determined that 95 balls, weighing more than the rest, were used to smuggle heroin into the country from Pakistan.

The rest of the balls were held as evidence. One defendant has pleaded guilty in the case, and the other disavowed ownership of the balls, so the courts released them from evidence.

And then there was the Canadian smuggler who tried sneaking heroin into the country inside hockey pucks.

And justice for all

Since his job recognizes no speed limit, Darrell Waltrip has trouble keeping his foot off the floor in his own car - most recently on a Tennessee highway.

“I was going fast. Looked in the mirror. Highway patrolman cop on a motorcycle pulls me over,” Waltrip said.

Waltrip, a former NASCAR Winston Cup champion, pulled out his license.

“He looks at my license and goes, ‘I’m sorry … no, really. Take your license. I’m really sorry I pulled you over, Mr. Waltrip. If I’d have known it was you, I’d have not pulled you over. But I didn’t know it was you and I’m sorry.”’ Waltrip said he asked the state trooper if he could do anything for him, and the highway patrolman said no before changing his mind.

The trooper asked Waltrip to sign his ticket book as proof he had pulled him over.

Hey, copper, a ticket would have been proof enough.

Mascots should be seen and not heard

Whammer is the mascot of the Cleveland Cavaliers and his favorite stunt is sliding down a rope from the rafters of Gund Arena. But he never gets a mention on the radio from announcer Joe Taite, so he asked why.

“I’ll mention you when the rope breaks,” Taite said.

Hey, one step at a time

Noting how many callow youths applied for the NBA draft to play at “the next level,” Hal Bock of the Associated Press writes: “Maybe the next level ought to be English 101.”

From Smokin’ Joe to Jokin’ Shmoe

Former heavyweight pretender Marvis Frazier will fill in for his legendary pop, ex-heavyweight champion Smokin’ Joe, in an exhibition bout today at the Paramount Theatre in New York.

Joe was forced to withdraw after a Mother’s Day lawnmower accident resulted in the partial amputation of his big left toe. “But he’s up and walking around already,” Marvis reported. “You can’t keep a good toe down.”

Marvis will toss some playful punches at Merrill Lynch’s John Steffens as boxing legends are paired against Wall Street’s heaviest hitters to raise money for the 1996 U.S. Olympic team.

Steffens, by the way, was an early 8-5 pick.

The last word …

“It’s usually not the Bleacher Bums causing the trouble. It’s the lawyers from the suburbs who can’t handle their liquor and act like idiots.”

- Charles Sikorski, crowd control functionary at Wrigley Field

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo