Peer Influence Needs Control If Too Negative

Q. We have a 14-year-old who has become increasingly rebellious of late. In the last year, he started running with a bunch of kids with bad reputations. His grades have dropped, he’s violated curfew on several recent occasions, and he’s become sassy and disrespectful toward us, all the more so after he’s been with his friends. After finding some cigarette rolling papers in his room (he insisted he found them), we tried talking to him but got nowhere. He denied everything and told us we had no right to choose his friends for him. When we brought up the possibility of moving him to a private school next year, he told us he wouldn’t go, that he’d run away if we made him. We want to clamp down on this problem before it gets any worse, but we’re afraid that doing so might do more harm than good. Do you have any suggestions?

A. First of all, I think you have every reason to be concerned. My experience tells me these sorts of situations - if not nipped in the proverbial bud - will go rapidly from bad to worse. Furthermore, the older the child in question gets, the more difficult it becomes to turn the problem around.

If your son was associating with kids you didn’t particularly like, but there was no indication that their influence on him was particularly negative, I would advise you to adopt a wait-and-see attitude. Relationships during early adolescence can be fairly unstable. Sometimes, doing nothing is the best way to get a less-than-desirable one to run its course.

However, it’s fairly obvious to me - as it should be to you - that your son’s friendship with this crowd has gone over the line. I hope, for example, that you don’t believe for one minute he found rolling papers and just decided they’d make an interesting knickknack. I’d say there’s a 95 percent likelihood he’s experimenting with marijuana.

You have enough evidence - bad grades, bad behavior, drug paraphernalia - to put the hammer down, and I encourage you to put it down - fast! Inform him that you have no intention of letting him trash a 14-year investment in his future. Since he’s obviously misplaced the ability to make good decisions concerning friends, you’re going to make them for him; to wit, he’s forbidden, absolutely and completely, to have any contact with any of the boys in the group, ever. Otherwise, he can enjoy all of his normal privileges and can continue attending the same school.

Since you realize that this will be difficult, tell him, you’re going to help him as much as you can by spending a lot of time together as a family and helping him find other activities - including your church or synagogue youth group - that will bring him in contact with a better group of peers. (And by the way, if you don’t already belong to a church or synagogue, I’d encourage you to find one that is family-oriented and has a good youth program. You have problems with organized religion? Put them aside for your son’s sake.)

Now, the kicker: If you even suspect that he’s violated the rule, tell him he’ll be under house arrest for the entire summer and will go to a new school in the fall.

And yes, this may well make matters worse, but no worse than they would have eventually become anyway. In this regard, there are two things to keep in mind:

When parents do the right thing in a crisis situation of this sort, they often activate the “things get worse before they get better” principle. In other words, the fact that things get worse doesn’t mean parents have made a mistake and should back off.

It’s generally easier for parents to deal with a crisis they bring on themselves than with a crisis that takes them by surprise. You may have to hold on for a wild ride, but any crisis you precipitate will be easier for you to control. Not easy, mind you, but easier.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Rosemond Charlotte Observer