Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

One final master plan for victory

OK, so begging Perot to quit backfired. But that still leaves plenty of time for Dole to implement Plan B: Begging Clinton to quit.

Those guys are always good for a cash donation

There was a touching TV moment this week when Bill Clinton hugged a little girl who needs money for a cancer operation. He whispered these words of encouragement in her ear: “Try the Indonesians.”

What do we look like to you? Outrage machines?

Where’s the outrage? Where’s the outrage? Where’s the outrage? Spread too thin by Watergate, Iran-contra-gate, Jim Wright-gate, Anita Hill-gate, Travel-gate, Whitewater-gate and Newt-gate. We’re fresh out of outrage at the moment; check back next year.

Make him stop! Make him stop! Make him stop!

If Dole loses, let history show that it was not because of the economy or because of Bill Clinton’s popularity. It was because someone told Dole he should repeat everything three times, three times, three times. Voters can’t stomach four years of that.

A little scandal can sometimes brighten our lives

Perot warns that if Clinton wins we’re setting ourselves up for another national nightmare like Watergate. I don’t know. I kind of enjoyed Watergate.

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MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s satirical look at issues in the news. The views expressed are those of the writer.