Cheap Seats

Seafood for thought

The envelope please: The five most creative boat names of the year, as selected by Boating magazine, are “Luna Sea,” “Fishcally Irresponsible,” “Lady Go Diver,” “Fishin: Impossible” and “Wake, Rattle and Troll.”

Cited in the best name by occupation category were “Water Broke” (obstetrician), “Sea PR” (medical technician) and “Flemme Fatale” (respiratory therapist).

And, of course, “Fishwrap” (journalist).

Not exactly affirmative action

Louisville basketball coach Denny Crum decided to do away with ball boys rather than let a 10-year-old girl volunteer for floor-wiping duties - until school president John Shumaker intervened, and Crum reconsidered.

“We look forward to expanding our opportunities for all young people,” Crum backtracked.

In an earlier statement, Crum said he didn’t want to have to “worry about leaving somebody out or finding the politically correct makeup.”

The Louisville fifth-grader, whose parents didn’t want her to be identified, said she plays basketball for her school team and has been “a big fan” of the Cardinals for three years, accumulating a collection of posters, jerseys and other items.

Crum had written a letter to the American Civil Liberties Union last week, saying that its intervention on behalf of the Louisville girl “is responsible for keeping 30 young boys from being ball boys.”

Crum also wrote: “I hope the young lady or father you represent is satisfied.”

After which he went back to drawing up Xs and Os on the wall of his cave.

Abdication

The Student Princes might become Knights.

Heidelberg College’s teams have been called the Student Princes for the last 70 years. But this fall, the college began asking students, staff members, faculty and alumni to consider a nickname change.

The teams were known as the Cardinals until 1926, when Edwin Butcher, Heidelberg’s publicity agent, saw the film, “The Student Prince of Heidelberg.”

“We’d like to have a name the team can be proud of when it’s introduced,” said athletic director John Hill, “a name that people aren’t making fun of.”

Hey, pal, at least your student body doesn’t complain about the team “Princing it.”

The old heave-Hokie

Virginia Tech has suspended another Hokie accused of fighting. This time, it’s the team’s mascot, Hokie Bird, and not a football player.

Todd Maroldo got the boot for the rest of the season for punching Miami’s mascot, Sebastian the ibis.

“We will have a backup bird for the rest of the season,” said Danny Monk, Virginia Tech’s assistant athletic director.

Spectators told the Roanoke Times the Hokie bird - a turkey - sent the Miami ibis to the ground with a couple of haymakers. The Hokie Bird was dragged from the field by Orange Bowl security.

Earlier this month, seven Virginia Tech football players were suspended after they were charged with beating up a university track athlete.

The last word …

“If I win the rebounding title, then Charles (Barkley) has to wear a dress. On TV. He can go to a full-figured women’s outlet store.”

- Dennis Rodman

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo