Parents Must Claim Their Authority

Musings on parenthood and families, Part 2: If there’s one valuable lesson the proponents of democratic, childcentered families have taught us, it’s that authority is not inherent to being a parent. Rather, authority must be claimed and then acted upon. Furthermore, following this selfconfirmation, it must be constantly asserted lest it fade away. The authoritative parent must affirm, on a daily basis, that he/she is in command of himself, the child, and the circumstances of the child’s life.

Intuitively, a child understands that a parent who will not claim and affirm his or her own authority is a parent who cannot be relied upon for anything and has no “right,” therefore, to respect, as measured by deference and obedience.

Without intention, nouveau parenting “experts” provided legions of profit to this very effect. Parents who followed their well-intentioned advice were persuaded not to claim their authority. It would have been just if the price to be paid had been borne only by themselves. Unfortunately, their children were the real losers.

There are no quick fixes in child rearing. You can get a meal in a minute at McDonald’s but there’s no such thing as McParenting. I have often had the feeling, during conversations with parents who are seeking solutions to child-rearing problems, that they think psychologists can perform feats of time-defying magic.

A typical encounter goes thusly: Parents describe a problem, I propose a means of solving it, and the parents counter with, “Oh, we tried that already, and it didn’t work.” It is almost inevitable that upon further investigation I discover that “it” didn’t work simply because the parents didn’t work at it. Thus, they believe in McParenting.

If, when your child forgets his lunch money, you run after the bus, your child has no reason to ever remember his lunch money. If, when your child does something “bad,” you feel bad about it - as in, you feel guilty, anxious and otherwise in a tizzy - your child has no reason to feel bad about it himself and no reason, therefore, to correct the problem. The fact is, a child will correct a problem (and mind you, there are very few academic or behavior problems a child is incapable of solving) if, and only if, the problem inconveniences him and he is made to feel bad about it. If, in the above example, the parent waves goodbye to the bus and shrugs her shoulders when the child complains of having to go without lunch that day, the child will start remembering his lunch money. His “forgetfulness” will suddenly go into remission.

A parent who finds himself frequently saying, “How many times have I told you to do (or not to do) so-and-so?” needs to realize this simply means he has failed to convince the child that he meant business the very first time he so told. This is clearly not a child-problem. It is a parent-problem, and the parent in question will be forever complaining of having to say the same things over and over again until he accepts that humbling fact.

It’s important that the worlds of adults and children be distinct and often exclusive. In other words, adults should be involved primarily with other adults, not with children, and children, likewise, should be involved primarily with other children, not adults. The more adults become involved with children, the more children want to be involved with adults, and the less able adults are to distinguish themselves. Adults who fail to distinguish themselves reap what they sow - their children fail to pay attention to them and learn to manipulate them instead of coming to respect them.