Molester May Have Experienced Abuse

Dear Ann Landers: I’m responding to the woman who wanted to know if she should marry a man whose son had molested her 8-year-old daughter. While you told her she shouldn’t do it, you also said she might wait until the boy moves out of the house and then marry the man. I disagree with that advice. The boy might not be the only problem. Molesters are very cunning and often were molested themselves. That woman could be marrying a man who molested his own child and will do the same to hers.

I am a 33-year-old female who was molested at the age of 7 by my mother’s boyfriend. I didn’t tell anyone about the abuse until I was 16, and by then, it was too late. I had begun deadening the pain with alcohol and drugs. It took another 18 years to reclaim my life with the help of professional counseling, supportive friends and family and a loving, patient husband.

I beg that mother to run - not walk - in the opposite direction. She should not risk exposing her child to this serious possibility. Her little girl’s childhood was ripped away in a most horrifying way. No love is worth the risk. Trust me. I am - A Survivor

Dear Survivor: Thank you for expressing your position in such strong language. Since you are an authentic voice of experience, you deserve to be listened to.

Dear Ann Landers: Recently, I read comments in various papers pointing out how silly, childish and ridiculous hand holding is when adults do it in public. One article ridiculed the new British prime minister, Tony Blair, and his wife, for holding hands and said only Americans and members of the gay community do this.

I would like to say something in praise of hand holding. One of the most delightful experiences in life is when a baby’s small hand grasps your finger for the first time. As children, we hold hands to belong, to make friends. As teenagers, we hold hands to let the world know we are together. As adults, we hold hands to show the world we are a unit. To hold someone’s hand is to reassure them we are there for them. We take the hand of a bereaved person to let them know we understand. When we are sick, the hand is the first thing we reach for, and sadly, sometimes it is our last contact.

Watch an elderly couple with their hands clasped for support. Watch a grandchild offering her hand to her grandmother as they cross the street. Watch a mother holding the hand of her child so that he will feel safe. Watch old friends greet each other, their hands reaching out. Watch a stranger offering a helping hand - it could be a nurse, a policeman, a fireman or just another person reaching out to help.

Holding hands is our link to each other, a way of communicating so much. Perhaps if, as adults, we did more of it, there would be less isolation and more kindness in the world. Hand holding is a form of communication, and it shows we care.

I remember watching my parents walk through the English village where they lived, holding hands. It left me with a great memory of them. I hope you will tell your readers to keep holding hands and let them know there are no age restrictions. - Barbara in Vancouver, B.C.

Dear Vancouver: I wholeheartedly agree that holding hands at any age is life-enhancing and should be encouraged. Hand holding is sign language for “I care about you. We are committed. You are safe with me.” It’s beautiful.