The Au Pair Question Despite Recent Criticism, Many Parents Say They Still Have Faith In The System
The baby is in the tub, the toddler just tripped down the stairs, someone is at the door, the phone is ringing. What do you do?
That is the kind of question that Laurie Simon Goldman, a regional counselor in Cincinnati for Au Pair USA/Interexchange, advises parents to pose to potential au pairs to determine whether the young women can think on their feet.
“What would she do first?” Goldman said. “I want to know she is not going to leave that baby in the tub.”
Goldman, a mother of four who has been the host to four au pairs, has a few tips for parents selecting one.
Avoid leading questions on issues like discipline. Ask “Under what circumstances would you spank a child?” instead of “You would never hurt a child, would you?”
Recognize international differences in attitude. Timeout is not as popular in Europe as it is here, she said. And read between the lines on answers. If an applicant likes to go dancing, she has probably done a little drinking.
Au Pair USA/Interexchange is one of seven government-approved agencies participating in the American au pair program, in which 18-to-26-year-olds live with American families for one year and care for their children in exchange for room, board and a weekly stipend of $139.05.
“It was never intended to be a primary child-care source for infants,” said Hank Kahn, who developed the program for the government in 1986 and is now a consultant to exchange agencies in Cornelius, N.C. “It was intended to be, and is in most cases, a cultural exchange with child care for toddlers.”
As competing nanny agencies are eager to point out, taking a young visitor into one’s home, especially one whose agenda is cultural experience, is not the same as hiring a professional nanny. Stricter guidelines - including 200 hours of experience for au pairs tending children under 2 - went into effect this year, and formal screening procedures run from reference checks to the most recent addition, psychological exams.
Karen Fisch, a mother of three in Scarsdale, N.Y., who has had five au pairs and used to run an Internet au pair chat group, has the review process down to a science. For her, applicants must be at least 21 (to avoid the issue of under-age drinking), unattached (boyfriends cause homesickness), able to drive and independent enough to have lived away from home. Her advice: If the young woman’s application is more than six months old, families may have passed on her for a reason. Hold out for a better candidate.
When Mrs. Fisch, a management consultant, narrows her choices, she sends candidates a nine-page letter outlining her child-care needs, to avoid surprises.
To Ms. Goldman, one of the most important ways to prevent a mismatch is to paint an accurate picture of the family to the agency and then to the au pair. Parents, she said, need to be “brutally honest about their family life.”
“Are they really people who want their privacy, or do they want someone to go camping with them every weekend, and will they be upset if she wants to do her own thing?” Ms. Goldman asked. “Are their kids really sportsy, and do they want an au pair who says she likes to read and crochet? Do a really honest assessment of who your kids are and how they work. That 8-year-old with attention deficit disorder is a really important thing for the au pair to hear about in an interview.”
Andrea Dunn, a registered nurse in Rockport, Mass., has had eight au pairs from seven countries help care for her triplets since they were born seven years ago. She fondly remembers her first helper, from Holland, who arrived a month early to assist with the newborns.
But not all the au pairs worked out. There were tensions over curfews, boys spending the night, even safety issues, like not leaving appliances on. She sent three home. In retrospect, she says most of those problems could have been prevented with an honest interview, and she now quizzes the young women on Red Cross safety procedures and their family life.
“At that young age,” she said, “in the transition from childhood to adulthood, the relationship they have with their own parents becomes transferred to the host family.”
MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: FIND OUT MORE Information on the au pair program is available from the United States Information Agency at 301 Fourth Street SW, Room 602, Washington, D.C. 20547. Following are a few questions experts suggest asking applicants. What might you have my children do on a rainy day? (Right answer: Age-appropriate and participatory activities, not videos.) What is the worst experience you’ve ever had, and how did you get through it? (To determine problem-solving skills.) What jobs have you held? What is your child-care experience? When would you spank a child? (A crucial discipline point.) What questions do you have? (If none are about children, it may show lack of interest.)