Crowd Will Probably Be Laughing At This Grand Opening

Your morning has already started miserably.

The hot water petered out while you were in the shower. Your cereal box contained exactly one Grape Nut. Your voice mail contained a message from Bob’s Repo Depot which included the words “in arrears.”

Nothing more can go wrong this morning.

And then you feel a slight breeze in your nether regions, a certain wind chill factor up your shorts. You look down, snap your head up in horror, and slowly come to the realization: Yes, one more thing can go wrong this morning.

We are speaking of the most traumatic thing that can happen to a man: the open fly.

And you thought you were past this problem. You thought the open fly was something that happened only to absent-minded youth, not men of maturity and dignity. Yet on this fine, blustery morning, the proof is there, in all its Fruit of the Loom glory.

Yes, the open barn door can afflict any male, at any age.

Notice I said “male.” The open barn door can afflict trousers-wearing women also, and it is every bit as serious from a purely objective point of view. However, a recent survey of women, which I just completed, shows that they do not regard it with the same open horror as a man. A woman considers it somewhere on the embarrassment scale of a bra-strap showing, or spinach in the teeth, whereas a man considers it on the scale of standing up to give a wedding toast with his - well, with his fly open. There is nothing worse to compare it to.

When you consider it rationally, an open fly is not such an awful thing. Nothing shows except a flash of white. You probably revealed more about yourself on the Stairmaster yesterday, not that this was any big treat for the rest of the health club.

Yet clearly, for a man there is something deeper, something Freudian, involved with open-fly trauma. It is not so much the appearance of an open fly that bothers a man, as the psychological feeling of an open fly. It is a feeling of vulnerability. He feels like a bicyclist without a helmet, a linebacker without pads, Bill Clinton without Janet Reno. Suddenly, he feels as if his last name might be Bobbit.

That’s why prevention is by far the best solution. Here are a few tips on how to prevent this from happening again. First, watch out for the shirt-tuck. Many people zip up once, then unzip to tuck the shirt in, and then forget the crucial re-zip. Please, remember the re-zip.

Next, get in the habit of discreetly checking your status every time you go out the door. The best checking method is the quick “I’m just looking down to see if my shoes are tied” glance, although people may wonder why you are lifting up your sweater to look at your shoes.

Finally, train yourself to be sensitive to subtle changes in your own personal ecosystem. As we’ve said before, the “cold front moving in from the south” is a dead giveaway. Be alert for any hint of “The Wind in the Willows.”

Yet, one day even these methods will fail, probably on the day that you are scheduled to address the Ladies Methodist Auxiliary.

So the real problem is simply a pragmatic one. What do you do when you discover the cellar door agape? How can you quickly “fix” your problem and get on with your life?

Any man who has ever walked into an elevator, nodded pleasantly to the boss, and then DISCOVERED A DOOR WIDE OPEN as the elevator doors closed will know this is not as simple as it sounds. One option is the jacket ploy - pull it closed quickly as a covering action. At the first stop, get out and head for the restroom. Resist the urge to fix the problem before you get to the restroom. You may look ridiculous walking along a busy corridor with an open fly, but believe me, not as ridiculous as you’ll look lurching down a corridor savagely attempting to yank the thing closed.

Nor should you try any transparent covering moves, such as pretending to pick lint off, or pretending to scratch. These rarely fool anybody.

The truth is, the straightforward approach is best, even when surrounded by people. It takes a lot of courage to admit the problem and deal with it, but at least it’s quick. Simply zip up in one graceful motion, with a humorous covering remark (“Close the pod bay doors, Hal”).

You will save yourself much embarrassment, although, of course, people will still laugh at you for days.

, DataTimes