Taking The Hits On Dating’s Front Lines

They say there’s no substitute for experience.

And when it comes to dating, men and women who have been around the block a time or two probably would agree. Because years of trying to figure out the opposite sex tends to drive home the truth of a parallel adage: Live and learn.

Some of that knowledge is good news. Some isn’t.

“I just don’t believe that anybody’s telling me anything that’s truthful,” said Susan Keyes, 34, who works for a wholesale florist. “It’s sad.”

She has been damaged by men’s lies. “It’s like they say anything just to please you so that they can get what they’re looking for.”

Chris Collins, 32, agreed and reported that she has essentially dropped out of the dating scene. “Basically, being single in Spokane sucks,” said the historic preservationist, who managed to sound cheerful despite her gloomy assessment. “I hate it. It’s horrible. And there’s truly no men that are worthy of me in this town. That’s my conclusion.”

Having said that, she added that she hasn’t given up hope. She still thinks she might meet the right guy.

But hooking up with a soul mate isn’t easy, say veterans of the courtship wars.

“Dating at any age is difficult because I think men and women don’t know how to be friends,” said Carl Wackerman, 49, a church receptionist and substitute teacher.

The list of obstacles for people no longer in their early 20s doesn’t stop there.

“There are no available men,” said Judy Johnson, a 54-year-old market researcher. “They do not exist. And those that do exist are married, alcoholic, impotent or truly unemployable.”

Others say arguably the biggest problem facing dating-minded single adults is the tendency to immediately evaluate members of the opposite sex in terms of marriage potential. That’s a lot of pressure to put on dinner and a movie.

“The best thing to do is just relax and have fun,” said Tony Emmi, 37, a mental health counselor.

He thinks Spokane is not a bad place for singles. Of course, he laughingly acknowledged that his perception could be colored by the fact that he moved here from Bonners Ferry.

“Spokane isn’t the issue,” said Alice Weilep, a 41-year-old home health-care nurse. “What matters is whether a person is emotionally available.”

Sales manager Larry LaPine, 32, lived in Seattle until about a year ago. But he doesn’t believe that the Spokane area is necessarily a more difficult place for singles to enjoy active social lives. “It’s really what you make of it,” he said.

LaPine has met women he subsequently dated while roaming the aisles of home and garden stores. “But in the traditional places you hear about - grocery stores and Laundromats - I’ve never met anyone.”

A 31-year-old Air Force sergeant reported that he had, in fact, experienced success meeting women near the produce section. Lining up first dates isn’t the problem, he said. The big stumbling block to happy relationships is that women tell Oprah they are looking for a Mr. Sensitive walks-on-the-beach kind of guy but actually want something altogether different, he argued.

More than one interview subject - both men and women - said that many of those contending that looks and income aren’t important are not telling the truth.

Vicki Savage said one thing the dating whirl teaches a person is that there are a lot of maladjusted people out there. The 27-year-old accounting student jokingly referred to a few of the guys she and her best girlfriend have encountered as “The Missing Link,” “His Evil Twin” and “The Thing that Evolved Out of the Mud Puddle.” But she said her good experiences outweigh the bad. And she thinks she knows why.

“I’m not looking for that ‘Oh, baby, I love you - I want to be with you forever’ thing.”

Trish Peterson, 28, an administrative assistant, agreed. “Everybody takes it way too seriously,” she said. “It should be about having fun. People say it’s women who want to get serious right away, but I’ve noticed that men are just as eager to do that.”

Still, you can’t really blame someone for dreaming of true love. “I think the shock is that you don’t connect with people as easily as you think you will,” said a 33-year-old Spokane woman who works in the criminal justice system.

Lisa Puryear, 39, writes high-tech manuals for a living. She said she has met some good guys on the Internet. But then there was the one who suggested that he come over and give her a body massage.

“I try not to be a skeptic,” she said. “But some of the people I’ve met, I don’t know. They either come on too strong or move too slowly, and by the time they decide to ask me out, I no longer want to go out with them. So, I’m fickle. What can I say?”

She’s not at the point of despair though. “Everybody’s got a match out there,” she said.

It can take courage, however, to keep looking.

“I think we’ve all been hurt a lot, and so it’s really hard,” said Shirley Ekstrom, 49, a bookkeeper at a medical office.

Like countless others, 38-year-old administrative assistant Carrie Greenwalt has met eligible bachelors through friends. “But after a while, your friends run out of friends,” she said. “That’s especially true when most of your friends are married.”

Cheney’s Karen Ulmer, 49, remembers fix-ups that made her wonder what had possessed her friends to think she and the man in question might hit it off.

“Is everyone confused about the rules of the game?” asked Hayden’s Barbara Howe. She’s 40 and working toward her teaching certificate.

“I’ve been told that I’m attractive and intelligent,” she said.

Nevertheless, she hasn’t been asked out in a long time. “I’m not completely pessimistic,” she said. “I think there’s hope. But I’m mystified.”

Of course, one needn’t be any certain age to know something about the realities of dating. Nicole Nickerson, 21, is a single mother who works at a grocery store. And she has concluded that a depressingly high percentage of the men she meets assume she is so desperate to latch on to a man that they can take advantage of her. “They’re wrong,” she said.

Jeannine Plumlee, a 65-year-old custodian, also has to struggle to keep from getting discouraged. “I’ve met some guys that, well, I think they’re head cases,” she said. “Believe me. They want to take over your life and treat you like crap and then, when you don’t want that, they wonder what’s the matter with you.”

Helen Goodell, 79, said she isn’t enjoying being single and noted that one big factor is the small pool of available men.

Patricia Shea, 68, of Post Falls, knows what she means. “I feel that the longer I go, the harder it’s going to be to find somebody,” she said. “And if I don’t find somebody soon, I might as well give up.”

, DataTimes