Trying To Connect Finding That Special Someone Isn’t Easy Anywhere, But Many Say It’s Especially Difficult In Our Family-Oriented Area

Point: Jennifer Salmi, a 31-year-old single mother and art gallery owner, says, “I’m into culture, arts, theater, but it seems like the guys in Spokane are into sports, chugging beer, rooting for their favorite teams.”

Counterpoint: Jeff Pearson, a divorced 30-year-old single father and a machinist, says, “There’s a group of us single guys. We all water-ski, mountain-climb, scuba-dive. You don’t find a lot of women who do that sort of thing who aren’t in relationships.”

Ah, how to meet. Whether to date. And how to start a successful relationship once you’ve found someone.

It’s a particular challenge in the family-oriented Inland Northwest, the place 20-year-olds flee and 30-year-olds return, diamond on the left hand, mini-van in the driveway. Single-person households make up 27.5 percent of the population in Spokane County and 23 percent in Kootenai County, but many singles struggle simply to find one another.

Think of this as our Valentine’s gift to Inland Northwest singles. It’s the IN Life guide to meeting and dating and maybe even mating well.

First, the horror stories. Ask any Inland Northwest single. He or she will probably have one.

There’s a 38-year-old Spokane receptionist who said yes when an attractive man asked her to a nice South Hill restaurant. They lingered after dinner. She asked about the woman he’d been with the night they met. His nonchalant response: “Oh, she’s my wife.”

There’s Laura Porter, a 22-year-old Spokane waitress who, with a friend, got talked into a double-date. The men asked the women to drive to a Valley theater, chose a stupid “Die-Harder, Part V”-type flick and then, at the ticket window, expected the women to pay the $3 budget-hour prices themselves. Neither guy, it turned out, had a job.

There’s Joe Flores, a 27-year-old Spokane car dealership employee, whose best friend talked him into a blind date. The friend even badgered Flores into bringing flowers. The girl hated the roses Flores picked out, hated the movie, hated his attempt to hold her hand. It was, he said, a nightmare.

“I don’t think anybody really likes dating,” says a 36-year-old Spokane architect who asked that his name not be printed for fear his married friends would swoop down to set him up for yet another grim evening. “It’s one of those necessary evils.”

One Spokane single mother has written it off entirely. “Why bother?” she says. “I’m doing what I enjoy in my life. I picked a career I like. I’ve been celibate for three years.

“People are just shocked (when I tell them that). Their chin hits the ground and they’re like, ‘Oh, my gosh, what do you do?’ I’m like, ‘I live my life, and sex is overrated anyway.”’

However, that argument doesn’t seem to dissuade most singles.

Cora Gibbs’ answering machine message at her Spokane Valley home includes a refrain from Bonnie Raitt’s song, “Angel From Montgomery.” It includes the line, “Just give me something I can hold on to.”

“That,” says Gibbs, a 43-year-old drug and alcohol counselor, “would be nice.”

She relishes meeting new people, and dates with a sense of humor and a great attitude.

“I’m black,” she says. “I have a fluffy figure. … Oh, the stories I could tell. But basically I’m optimistic about finding a companion.”

The doctors of love

For singles with similar sentiments, a few realistic guidelines can help. We’ve lined up a pool of experts, everyone from serious academic researchers, clinical psychologists and sociologists to radio talk-show guests and MTV’s on-line “love doc.” They are:

Carl Hindy, a New Hampshire clinical psychologist and author of “If This is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure?” (Fawcett Crest, $4.95)

Stanley Woll, a psychology professor at California State University at Fullerton, whose research includes video dating services.

Kate Wachs, a Chicago psychologist who runs a dating service called The Dr. Kate Relationship Center.

Mary Weathers, a Spokane clinical psychologist.

Pepper Schwartz, a University of Washington professor of sociology and author of “Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works” (Free Press, $11.95).

Paul Hartunian, a New Jersey author of an audio book called “How To Find The Love of Your Life in 90 Days or Less” (Clifford Publications, $17.95) and a frequent TV and radio talk show guest.

Gilda Carle, MTV On-Line’s love doc and Sally Jesse Raphael’s relationship therapist.

The dating spirit

Twenty-two-year-old Laura Porter says her friends are desperate to get married and start a family. “At my age, that’s weird,” Porter says.

“I think Mr. Wonderful will come along, and in the meantime, I have a whole lot of living to do.”

The right attitude is everything.

One woman called Wachs’ dating service and offered the psychologist $10,000 to find her a husband, provided the woman never had to go out on a single date.

“I’m not God and I am not psychic,” Wachs says. “I am a good shrink, but I can’t do miracles here.”

Her advice: 1) Never give up. 2) Always maintain a positive attitude. 3) Take some time to analyze your previous relationships and figure out what you can learn from them.

Be positive, upbeat, warm, friendly, empathic and realistic, she says. Don’t be negative, critical, whining, or male- or female-bashing.

“In order to find and get and keep the love of your life,” says Carle, “you’ve got to bet on yourself.

“The focus I have is putting your own life on the front burner. Make sure that if he does not call, you don’t even notice because you’re so busy.”

A local single professional echoes that.

“Be an active person. Have some passions in your life. That’s very attractive,” he says.

Carle also recommends that women design beautiful living spaces that they love. “Don’t manufacture space that is waiting until you get married,” she says. “It’s very important to feel comfortable and secure where you’re living. If you clean it, he will come.”

On meeting well

Cora Gibbs treasures honesty. When she writes a personals ad for a Spokane newspaper, she describes herself as “full-figured.”

She’s discovered she may be an exception.

“People lie,” she says, chuckling. “‘I’m graying’ means ‘I’m gray.’ ‘I’m balding’ means ‘I’m bald.’ ‘I have a couple of kids’ means ‘I have five.”’

Personals ads, dating services, singles dances. Just how do you meet?

Think volume. Hindy recommends focusing first on meeting lots of people rather than leaping quickly into a poor relationship.

That’s the appeal of dating services.

“First of all, recognize there aren’t miracles,” says Woll, who conducts research on these services. “It’s a long, hard road. It’s really kind of a numbers game.”

The services can work either by providing lots of names and faces to choose from or by being very selective. Today there are dating services designed only for classical music lovers or only for Sierra Club members.

One caveat: Even if you choose a very sophisticated dating service, attractiveness is a high priority. In his research, Woll found “people would start out by looking at pictures. If you didn’t pass that initial test, your great personality wouldn’t make any difference.”

Hartunian believes that men fall in love with their eyes.

“That does not mean you have to be the best-looking woman around,” he says. “We say, ‘Is she maximizing what she’s got there, and if she’s not, what does that say about her?”’

Women, he contends, fall in love with their ears.

“How many times do you see a spectacular-looking woman walking down the street with a guy who looks like a National Geographic lizard?” he asks. The reason: The guy knows how to speak words of security, comfort, love and romance.

He eschews the dating services and singles bars, labeling them “the singles exploitation circuit.”

“If you’re a mainstream person, which most of us are, you’ll get killed in the bars,” he says. “Your self-esteem will get slaughtered.”

He recommends people look elsewhere.

“The key is the golden rule of dating: Put yourself in situations where you are tremendously outnumbered by the opposite sex,” he says.

For men, he recommends community theater groups or hospital auxiliaries, where the ratios are often 20 or 30 women for every man.

“When a guy with a heartbeat walks through the door of a community theater, he gets noticed immediately,” he says. “A woman can walk in with a Carmen Miranda hat, tap-dancing, and she won’t get noticed.”

For women, free seminars sponsored by brokerage houses and financial planners feature great advice plus 40 or 50 men for every woman. “All she has to do is keep breathing,” he says. “The men will do all the work.”

He tells of one average-looking woman in her 30s who rarely dated. But she did love to cook.

She advertised a class called “Cooking for the Single Male,” five lessons, $55. “She was inundated by guys taking this class,” Hartunian says. “She’s surrounded by 11 guys, in the middle of them, doing what she loves to do most. She was irresistible.”

The right match

Nice guys do finish last. Pat Palmer, 40 years old and divorced, a sales clerk at Northwest Seed & Pet, is convinced. “Unless you drive a BMW, look like Tom Cruise and are built like Arnold Schwarzenegger, women aren’t interested,” he says.

“The nice guys are still sitting around after the women leave with the renegades with the tattoos.”

Many people err by being too picky.

Wachs listens carefully to the clients at her dating service and tries to find the match they’ve described.

“A lot of times they’re real surprised with what they end up with,” Wachs says. “Sometimes it comes in a different package than what they expected, but it is what they asked for.”

Here’s what Wachs believes is important: honesty, the ability to be monogamous, the desire for marriage, loyalty, the willingness to work on the relationship, and the ability to have fun together.

Here’s what’s not: which college degree the person has, how much money he or she makes, how the person looks.

“If he’s so much fun to be with, after a while he’ll be gorgeous,” Wachs says. “If we weren’t like that, no one would ever get married, because not that many of us look that good.”

Chemistry comes from a shared intelligence level and similar values.

“It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t make a certain amount of money,” she says. “It does matter if he’s irresponsible and runs up the bills.”

She recommends women wait until they’re 28, men 30, before they choose a mate. “If you marry before that, you’re going to keep changing,” she says, “so it’s a greater risk.”

Today people also keep relocating throughout their adult lives. That’s why Hindy believes common interests matter.

“There’s more pressure on your partner today,” he says. “We want a confidant and a soul mate and a lover and a nurse.”

First dates and beyond

Jennifer Maser, a 48-year-old Washington Water Power employee, actually enjoys dating in Spokane. “I’ve met a lot of really wonderful men who are home- and family-oriented, which is nice,” she says.

Her best date ever: a picnic on a small boat on Lake Coeur d’Alene at dusk, a glass of wine and a lake cruise.

It is possible to love dating.

Hartunian recommends an inexpensive, fun first date, such as a stroll through an arts fair. Others recommend a 20-minute interlude at an espresso shop, or a walk through a public park.

The old standard date - dinner and a movie - can simply be too tedious.

On the first date, people often make the mistake of sharing too much.

“The first date is a real serious screening process,” Hartunian says. “Often they don’t get a second date, and they don’t know why.”

Droning on endlessly, complaining about your ex, whining about how many losers you’ve met dating in Spokane - all are instant turnoffs.

“People think it’s trendy to complain about their job or their vacation,” says Hartunian. “At the end of the first date, they know everything about this person. There’s no intrigue left.”

Hindy recommends slow-paced disclosure.

“It’s a gradual process of going inch-by-inch further out on the limb, where it gets more dangerous because you get more vulnerable,” he says.

Toward a healthy relationship

“You can’t do an info-dump when you first meet,” says Pat Palmer. “You can’t say, ‘I’m not a slasher-drug-addict-loser with an ex-wife who’s going to beat you up if we’re caught together.”

“A simple thing like making love nowadays - that can kill you.”

Once you’ve started a relationship, it’s important to take it slowly.

Wait to have sex. It’s the sort of advice your mother always gave you, and today it’s wiser than ever. Be cautious.

Observe the person in a variety of settings, says Weathers. If the person has children, watch to see that he or she cares for them well.

“If not, they’re not likely to be a good partner in a long-term relationship,” she says.

Watch for signs of drug or alcohol abuse. Make certain you truly know each other before you make a commitment.

“Probably the most important decision you will ever make is the person you will marry,” Weathers says. “Really think out this feeling with your head. Don’t take this decision lightly.”

Hindy recommends that dating couples introduce each other to all of their friends and encourage feedback.

“I often meet people who are in deep, but who hid the relationship from others,” he says. “If you’re doing that, it’s already a sign of something you’re not willing to face.”

One of the newest dating guides, the best-selling “The Rules” by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (Warner, $5.95), has turned single women across the country into 1950s’ era, play-hard-to-get Doris Day clones.

While some professional observers of the dating scene believe “The Rules” may work well in the early stages of courtship, others are appalled.

“I think it’s a short-term-gain book,” says Schwartz. “You might get what you want with it, but you may not want what you get, which strikes me as a whole lot more pain down the road than up front.”

Schwartz recommends a three-pronged strategy for developing a healthy relationship:

Warmth - Both partners should notice that the other is interested and has the capacity to be close.

Honesty - Both partners should be capable of and willing to express who they really are and how they feel.

Dignity - Both partners should retain their self-respect, being neither too needy or cloying nor too pushy or aggressive.

The relationship should feel reciprocal. Contrary to the “The Rules” advice, there should never be only one person making all the calls, doing all the pursuing. And each partner should take turns listening well.

“It’s very exciting for men and for women if somebody is really listening to them, really seeing them,” Schwartz says. “You’re not supposed to be the audience and them the main act. It’s supposed to go back and forth.”

Creating a healthy relationship may be trickier in 1997 in the Inland Northwest. Meeting someone promising, and making certain you’ve made the right choice, may well be a bigger challenge. But a shared intimacy and a rich connection is as rewarding as ever.

Says Wachs, “It adds a level of joy to everything to find a life partner.”

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Staff illustration by Charles Waltmire