Teach Them Some More Manners

Dear Miss Manners: Several of us ladies at work all have the same complaint about our grown-up children (mine are in college, the others are divorced, single adults of a second marriage or single, living on their own):

They dine and dash.

They never bring anything, offer to help clean up or invite us to dinner. When confronted, all of them said they are guests and guests don’t help.

We would agree with that statement if they were occasional guests, but we’re talking about several meals a week or every weekend. In actuality, we are subsidizing their meals, because they are struggling financially. None of us mind cooking family meals - in fact, we enjoy it. But we do mind being treated with such a lack of consideration.

We, the parents, agree that children are never guests. This is a lame excuse for laziness. Children will always be part of the family and should contribute by bringing a dessert, helping clean up (which is more than taking their dish to the sink) or inviting us to dinner.

These ladies are about to close their soup kitchens because of lack of respect. We raised our children with manners, but somewhere along the line, they lost them. We don’t even get the token of a tip, like most good waitresses - just the mess to clean and a big insult from the ones we love.

Gentle Reader: Guests wait to be invited, write thankyou letters afterwards and try to entertain their hosts as many times as they are entertained by them.

And if they are intimates of the household, they do offer help when it seems to be needed.

So Miss Manners believes that your grown-up children would be better off being relatives, even if they had a choice.

But you shouldn’t be giving them that bogus choice. You may have reared the children properly while they were at home, but your job is not finished. It is time to teach them the manners of grown-up children dining at their parents’.

Dear Miss Manners: Please ask people who are upset about others going through the supermarket fast lane with more than 10 items to look closely at the sign - it has a wheelchair on it. This means that people with a disability may use this line no matter how many items they have.

I have a type of disability that is not obvious unless you know me well, and I cannot tell you the number of times I have been yelled at. This is not only embarrassing, but the stress it creates aggravates my fibromyalgia.

Gentle Reader: What’s obvious to Miss Manners is that vigilante etiquette doesn’t work. It dispenses neither justice nor etiquette. People who want to encourage proper behavior must understand that even law enforcement officers cannot condemn someone; this can only be done after evidence, motivation and circumstances are heard and weighed.

But it is ludicrous for them to imagine they can encourage polite behavior by being rude. Someone who suspects an etiquette infraction, such as being in the wrong grocery line, need only point out politely that that is the express line. This would give you the chance to point out the sign, without any unpleasantness.

Dear Miss Manners: My neighbors like to talk about their surgeries - hip replacement, for example. How can I tell them politely that I don’t wish to hear about this?

Gentle Reader: You must cultivate a reputation for being squeamish. If you sound sympathetic, Miss Manners assures you that it is not rude to say, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re all right, but it upsets me terribly to hear about your surgery - so much could have gone wrong. And I’ve always had a weak stomach for hearing about illness.”

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate