It’s Past Time To Change Pattern

Dear Ann Landers: I recently started dating a wonderful woman in her mid-30s. “Madge” has a terrific 5-year-old son.

I need to know if I’m overreacting about something. At what age should a child and parent of the opposite sex stop sleeping together? Madge’s son has slept in her bed since he was a baby. He refuses to sleep in his own room. The boy also showers with his mother every morning. He says it helps him wake up.

Is this normal, Ann? Is it healthy? I have told Madge this is wrong and she needs to stop it, but she says I’m being ridiculous. She insists that when the boy is ready to separate from her, he will.

I care very deeply for both Madge and her son, and I need an expert to comment on this situation. Please help me out. - Concerned in California

Dear California: Madge should have put her 5-year-old son in a bed of his own three years ago. As for the kid showering with his mother because “it helps him wake up,” she had better wake up and teach him how to shower by himself.

A good way to change the pattern would be for Madge to say, “You’re pretty grown up now and should not be showering with ladies. From now on, you’re going to take showers by yourself.” (If Madge needs more help, she should talk to her pediatrician.)

Dear Ann Landers: I am writing about funeral etiquette. My mother passed away recently and I cannot believe some of the things that happened. It’s clear to me many folks need to be educated.

If you know someone in the neighborhood who has lost a family member, please bring food to their home. My mother was one of 12 children and all the relatives wound up at my aunt’s home after the funeral. That dear woman was stuck fixing supper for this huge group. Believe me, a couple of casseroles and a cake or two don’t sound like much, but it would have meant a lot to my aunt when all those hungry mourners showed up.

Secondly, please don’t expect the bereaved to talk about their loved one during or immediately after the funeral. My mother and I were very close. When people came up to me and said, “Your mom was so strong” or “She had such a hard life,” it was hard for me to get my thoughts together. I did not want to reminisce about my mother when the loss was so fresh. I’m sure someday I will want to talk about Mom, but not right after she died. I had enough stuff going through my mind.

And finally, some people actually had the nerve to tell me that my pain was not as bad as theirs because my mother had been sick a long time, whereas their loss had been sudden. I can’t tell you how many times someone said to me, “It was much worse when my husband died in that car accident - healthy one minute and gone the next.” It doesn’t matter if the person died from a lingering illness or an accident. The death is still painful to the survivors. And please don’t ever say, “I know how you feel.” No one can possibly know how I feel.

I hope you will print my letter, Ann. An awful lot of people need to read it. Thanks for letting me vent. - Salt Lake City, Utah

Dear S.L.C.: Your “venting” is going to educate a great number of readers today. On behalf of all of them, thank you for writing.

xxxx