Taco Bell Should Stick To Doing Tacos
This week I reached out for the gastro-geographically impaired Mexican pizza at Taco Bell.
Mexican pizza? That makes as much sense as German moo goo gai pan, Utah Jazz or Frank Gifford’s “Guide to Monogamy.” They just sound dumb together.
Nevertheless, here’s the blueprint: pinto beans and seasoned beef stuffed between two crisp flour tortillas and topped with special zesty pizza sauce, melted jack and Cheddar cheese, diced tomato and chopped green onion.
Total calories: 570. Fat grams: 36.
Take it from a grade-A pizza fanatic: There ain’t no such thing as a Mexican pizza. Oh, it may be round like a pizza, and it may have sauce and cheese on it. But beans?
Pizza is from Italy. It was invented centuries ago in Naples to celebrate a visit by Italian Queen Margherita. A chef took a hunk of dough, slapped it silly and dumped on tomato sauce, mozzarella cheese and basil - red, white and green, the colors of the Italian flag.
Queenie was so overcome with emotion that she insisted the new dish be named after her. And that’s how the classic Margherita pizza was born.
When she returned home, did her majesty pick up a phone to call Domino’s and order her pizza with pinto beans and jack cheese?
No, she didn’t, and you know why? Because Domino’s couldn’t deliver a pizza all the way from Mexico in less than 30 minutes.
Still, I kept my mind open when I tested a Taco Bell Mexican pizza. I wish I had kept my mouth shut, instead.
The cheese was orangy yellow, which is all wrong. The “crust” had no oomph. The pizza practically collapsed under its own weight. There was no outer crust to grab on to.
I like my pizza spicy hot, not cold. This tasted like a tostada hiding in the federal witness protection program. And get those mushy beans off my pizza this instant!
Normally, I’m a Taco Bell fan. I think Taco Bell has pinpointed its niche market and hit a bull’s-eye. When everybody else was doing burgers, it did tacos.
Good food. Good prices. Good for them.
So why would the world’s No. 1 Mexican restaurant chain jump its borders and create a lame counterfeit pizza?
It’s not like Taco Bell was flopping with its line of traditional south-of-the-border favorites. On the contrary, Americans slug down 4.5 million tacos every day at the chain’s 4,600 stores. Plus, now you can buy Taco Bell food in many supermarkets.
(Fun fact: Taco Bell is the world’s largest single consumer of iceberg lettuce.)
Don’t misunderstand my alarm at Taco Bell’s imperialistic disregard of another country’s culinary sovereignty. I’m not some kook on AM talk radio yelling about sending everybody back to where they came from. I just think a country has the right to say, “Stay out of my kitchen.”
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