Impotence Affects All Aspects Of Marriage
“Garson has turned into a mean, nasty man whose constant rage is turning our home life into a nightmare,” snaps Ida, 39, a systems analyst with a commercial bank, who went back to college and entered the work force after seven years at home raising her children. “And I suspect I know the reason: Ever since I can remember, Garson has struggled with bouts of impotence.” In fact, he was impotent on their wedding night and she’s still furious that he never told her he had a sexual problem during the two years they dated.
Though Ida and Garson have been married for 19 years and have four children, their sex life has been only passable at best, and for the last five years, nonexistent, Ida reports. “We would usually have sex once a week like clockwork - Friday nights after the children were asleep, unless Garson was mad at me or the kids over a trifle, or exhausted by the evenings he spent doing volunteer chores at our church.” Particularly upsetting were the nights he’d fly into a towering rage - and then bully her into bed. “I loathe making love under those circumstances,” she says but admits she’s never told him.
While Ida feels she can put up with her husband’s nastiness to her, she will no longer tolerate his attacks on their kids. “For some reason, Jane, our oldest, is the target of his venom, and he’s turning her into a nervous wreck.Though Ida’s church frowns on divorce, she thinks that a legal separation might be the only way she can protect herself and her children from a man she hardly recognizes anymore.
Garson, 44, knows he’s not been the best husband in the world, but he certainly doesn’t think he qualifies for title of the worst. “Ida provokes me,” Garson says. “She undermines me at every turn, criticizes me in front of the kids and never once disciplines them for being rude to me. She also mocks the fact that I enjoy getting involved in church activities. Just because she has no interest is no reason to disparage mine.” It’s not easy living with a woman who is so obviously scornful of him, Garson says. “Before I realize it, this uncontrollable rage swamps me,” he says. “I need to get a grip on my anger, and I feel like a weakling and fool for not being able to.”
That feeling of worthlessness is familiar. “It started on our wedding night,” Garson recalls. “I’d never had a problem with a woman before then. But that memory still haunts me. This was the first time Ida and I had made love, and my body went numb. I never felt comfortable talking with Ida about it, so I let her draw her own conclusions.” She pretended that his failure didn’t matter, but Garson is convinced that over the years her bitterness about their lackluster sex life has led her to consistently misinterpret the things he says and undermine his authority with the children.
Boomerang effect of controlling behaviors
Like many women, Ida is reacting deeply and personally to her husband’s bouts of impotence, but that response is not fair to both of them and is actually perpetuating the problem. Ida is so bitter at what she views as a sexual insult and so desperately wants to control Garson and make him change into the kind of man she wants him to be that she’s totally unaware how critical, hostile and negative she is, not only in the words she utters but in the grimaces she makes when he tries to express himself. It’s not surprising that Garson’s impotence recurs whenever Ida’s scorn and disapproval mount. While impotence is often due to an organic cause, depression and other psychological problems, most especially anger, are also key factors.
From time to time, we all try to control our partner’s behavior by imposing our beliefs on them. “The trouble is, most people think that change comes about by giving negative consequences - in other words, creating fear,” note Jordan and Margaret Paul, a husband and wife counseling team and co-authors of “Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?” (Hazeldon, 1989). “While there’s no doubt that people sometimes respond to fear tactics, it’s almost always at great cost to both of you. On the other hand, meaningful change that results from caring, not from fear, leaves everyone feeling more satisfied.”
Once Ida began to pull back from her attack mode and be more supportive of her husband, Garson felt freer to express his own feelings to her. The dialogue that should have been going on for 19 years finally began. Now that he has an outlet for what’s bothering him, Garson’s rage - at himself and others - is lessening. And so are the periodic bouts with impotence.