Quality Of Work Related To Mood Of Surroundings

Feng shui (pronounced “fung shway”) is the hottest thing in interior design.

I can hardly pick up a magazine these days without reading about it.

Feng shui (meaning literally, “wang chung”) is the ancient Chinese art of placement, originally developed during the Han Dynasty as a way of determining where to place the lava lamps.

Today, we are going to take a tour of my workplace to see how my unique use of feng shui has increased my productivity, enhanced my personal harmony, and filled me with the kind of positive energy that can come only from the careful placement of a rubber trout.

The ancient Chinese had no access to rubber novelties, but if they had, they would have known that the rubber trout contains large quantities of life-force. So I have deliberately placed a rubber trout atop my computer terminal, where it stares into my eyes in its vacant, fishy, openmouthed way, focusing its waterborne energy directly into my brain. This infuses my writing with the trout’s elemental power, or at least with its fish-like aroma.

To balance out my energy fields, I also have cleared a space atop my computer terminal for a rubber chicken. A fowl is by far the most effective conductor yet discovered for the transmission of the positive life-energy called chi, which, when combined with feng shui, creates a force called feng-chi (literally, “funky chicken”).

In addition, I have carefully arranged several other powerful objets d’feng around my desk. The first is a Spokane Expo ‘74 World’s Fair mug. This mug, complete with an attractive drawing of the U.S. Pavilion, focuses tremendous amounts of historic Expo energy directly into my work cubicle and fills me with the overwhelming desire to wear bell-bottoms. This mug also contains a drawing of the “flags of the nations,” which gives me the power to carry out my secret journalistic mission of instituting a one-world government.

In addition, I have acquired a genuine Louisville Slugger baseball bat, possibly the most powerful symbol of a related discipline called “fungo shui.”

Just below the bat is a “Rush Is Right” bumper sticker, a powerful instrument of the energy known as “sha” (“shinola”), although someone has cleverly altered it to read “Kersh Is Right,” which converts it into a powerful instrument of chi (“cheese”).

However, my most important feng shui icons are meticulously arranged high up on my walls. They are LP album covers, containing pictures of the most potent of the life forces: Slim Whitman, Wayne Newton and Engelbert Humperdinck. From this position, they shower positive energy down on top of my head, which explains why I get so many headaches.

The ancient Chinese knew exactly what they were doing when they recommended the use of album covers to improve feng shui. Before I started displaying my collection, I felt listless and depressed and unable to continue with the onerous task of providing you, the reader, with a full measure of wit, or at least a half measure. Ever since Slim Whitman has been smiling down from above, I have won 23 Pulitzer Prizes, plus I have the uncontrollable urge to yodel.

And if this is what Slim Whitman can do, think about what Frank Sinatra’s “Ring-a-Ding-Ding” album cover is doing for me. Or for that matter, my picture-disc of Bing Crosby dressed up as Santa Claus. Bing and “White Christmas” are the most positive life forces in the universe and I fully expect that I will soon win the lottery, dunk a basketball and live forever.

I must confess that I have no actual training in or knowledge of the ancient Chinese principles of feng shui. The use of trout, chickens, Louisville Sluggers and Crosbys are a matter of contention among feng shui purists, who tend to stick with the traditional objects, such as plastic pink lawn flamingos.

All I know is, my methods work. I’m proud to say, as Frank himself once said, “I did it my shui.”

, DataTimes MEMO: To leave a message on Jim Kershner’s voice-mail, call 459-5493. Or send e-mail to jimk@spokesman.com, or regular mail to Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review