Cheap Seats
The new urinalism
Odd clubhouse sight of the spring: Mariners right fielder Jay Buhner “hardening” the handles on his new bats, by rubbing them on a porcelain urinal. “Hey, it may look stupid,” Buhner said, “but it works.”
So now we know what Jose Canseco was doing in there with that glove.
Verily
San Francisco Giants outfielder Darrin Jackson missed some spring training time because of a viral infection. At least, that was his story. The team’s media notes accused him of being sidelined by a “virile infection.”
Take two cold showers and call us in the morning.
Sounds like a Coen brothers movie to us
Mike Morris was trying to play tooth fairy, but the Minnesota Vikings center almost ended up in jail.
Steven Morris had lost his first baby tooth and his father wanted him to find some silver dollars under his pillow.
Too late to go to the bank, Morris headed to a local market in a light blue Plymouth Grand Voyager minivan belonging to his mother, who was visiting from Iowa. Morris got five Susan B. Anthony silver dollars from Rainbow Foods, but hoped to find some bigger ones - so he stopped at other stores without success, including Cub Foods in Apple Valley.
Then he discovered the groceries he had bought at Rainbow and his mother’s cellular phone were gone. He thought someone had broken into the van.
About the same time, Keith and Peg Werness were leaving the Cub store and discovered their light blue Grand Voyager gone. Apple Valley squad cars soon pulled over Morris, who didn’t piece together his mistake until he saw the van he was driving had Minnesota, and not Iowa, plates.
“At this point,” Morris said, “it hits me: ‘I have ripped off somebody’s van. I am a crook. I am done.’ I look behind me and there in a snowbank are five cops with guns drawn.”
Eventually, Morris was able to convince the police of the story. But back at the Cub, Keith Werness was still ready to give the thief some choice words - until he realized who the thief was. So Werness got an autograph instead.
“Thanks for not pressing charges, Your pal, Mike Morris.”
A legal stick up
Marcel Dionne couldn’t get the money, so he took the hockey sticks. Ten thousand of them, in fact.
A New York state judge ruled the former NHL star should be allowed to take $66,000 worth of inventory to make up for the amount of money he paid into North Star Hockey Enterprises as an investor.
And all this time we thought the only way to resolve chippy stickwork was to drop the gloves.
Jason, we hardly knew ye
After the Don Nelson purge, all 20 individuals - players, coaches and front-office personnel - who posed for last season’s Dallas Mavericks team photo are gone.
The last word …
“Lou Holtz, TV football analyst. I guess Lou earned this job with two decades of insightful, dead-honest evaluations of Notre Dame opponents.”
- Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle
, DataTimes