How The Heck Does It Work?

Sun., Oct. 19, 1997

Ann Landers Creators Syndicate

Dear Ann Landers: After so many years of writing the column, I’ll bet you think you’ve heard everything. Well, you haven’t. This item from Psychology and Health Update was taped to the bulletin board at the hospital where I work. It was pointed out to me by a nurse who said, “This made my day.” Here it is:

U.S. Patent No. 5,163,447 was recently issued for a “force-sensitive sound-playing condom.” Yup, it’s a prophylactic that whistles “Dixie.” During intercourse, a sound unit is supposed to sense movement and reward your efforts with a melody. We are not exactly sure why anyone would want his apparatus singing show tunes, but it’s nice to know the innovative spirit is still thriving in America.”

I hope you enjoy this. - Dottie Oberdorfer, R.N., in Jacksonville, Fla.

Dear Dottie: Thanks for a most unusual item. Since nothing surprises me anymore, I only have two questions: How are sales north of the Mason-Dixon line, and how the heck does that thing work?

Dear Ann Landers: You’ve given me a priceless gift - peace of mind - and I want to say thank you. It was a Gem of the Day, a simple line that performed the magic: “It’s better to be alone than to wish you were.”

I had been in a relationship with a man who was driving me crazy. He was judgmental, supercritical, negative and just plain mean. I don’t know why I got hooked on him, but I did. I was afraid to break up for fear no one else would have me. In the middle of a heated argument (about politics, of all things), he shoved me against the wall. I had read your column that very day and remembered your Gem of the Day. I ordered him to leave and not call me again.

I now feel liberated and confident. I’m also proud of myself. Thanks, Ann, for the Gem that changed my life. - Los Angeles, Calif.

Dear L.A.: Most of the Gems come from my readers, so thanks for reminding me to ask for more. My supply is diminishing. It’s good to know they are taken seriously.

Dear Ann Landers: Within the past two days, I have gone to an upscale restaurant and an R-rated movie. At both places, parents thought it was OK to bring babies. At the movie theater, the woman next to me gave the fidgety child her key ring, which the kid rattled during the entire film. At the restaurant, someone’s baby screamed for a solid hour.

Are these people inconsiderate or just clueless? - Jill in Manassas, Va.

Dear Jill: Probably both of the above. In a movie theater, you can move or ask an usher to intervene. In a restaurant, suggest to the parents that they give the baby something to play with. Don’t be surprised if you are rewarded with a dirty look.

Dear Ann Landers: This is for “No Name in San Bernardino,” who has a problem with cats on kitchen counters and dogs drinking out of toilets.

I’ve been around animals all my life. They’ve slept in my bed, traveled alongside me in my car, sat on my furniture and walked across my kitchen appliances. Our pets have always been clean and free of fleas. I’ve known people who are a lot dirtier than my pets.

Having my dog and cat curled up next to me in bed makes me feel secure. They are my friends and my family. So if “No Name” has a problem with this, he shouldn’t come over to my house. - Animal Lover in Pittsburgh

Dear Pittsburgh: Pet lovers everywhere will applaud your letter. Thanks for your feisty response.

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