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Typhoid Mary had nothing on McEnroe

CBS tennis broadcasters Tim Ryan, Mary Carillo and John McEnroe were discussing Pete Sampras’ problems with stomach ulcers.

McEnroe remarked that Sampras isn’t the only player to experience anxiety, and that many players have developed ulcers.

“I may have been one of the only players not to develop ulcers - I was able to get everything out,” McEnroe said.

To which Carillo replied, “I think you were a carrier.”

Sweeping up like a hurricane

College football programs can take notes from - of all sources - the Miami Hurricanes on how to run a high-powered, yet clean-cut program.

Coach Butch Davis is a miracle worker. Entering his third season as coach of the Hurricanes, Davis has transformed the Attica of college football into Disney World, and he’s still putting a national Top 10-type outfit on the field.

Asked last Thursday when the last “incident” occurred in his program, Davis promptly responded, “eleven months ago.” Football players in Miami were charged with beating up a track athlete at the school.

Davis: “We need to get one of those signs you see at automobile assembly plants - this facility has gone three hundred and twenty-something days without an accident.”

But there’s no joking when it comes to running a clean program in Miami. Davis’ game plan is rather simple. “I tell our assistant coaches that in recruiting they will be forgiven for making a talent mistake, but they will be fired for making a character mistake,” he said. “There is no excuse for character errors.”

The Hurricanes know which way the wind blows.

His Airness would be left breathless

Michael Jordan, and his agent, David Falk, need a little coaching on hyping Jordan’s latest financial milestone, according to John McGrath of the Tacoma News Tribune.

Falk was almost defensive when the announcement was made about the contract, estimated to be worth $36 million to $41 million for one year.

“Michael,” Falk said, “wouldn’t have accepted an agreement unless he deemed it to be fair.”

Doesn’t make for much of a headline: “Jordan deems contract fair.”

McGrath suggests what Don King would say as the agent for His Airness:

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to announce a truly glorifcanious moment of historical magnatapulation - an event of such superplendipity that it will obviscerate everything else you have ever ponderated! Without further adagio dancing, it is my monumeticulous honor to announce that Michael Jeffrey Jordan has exstansabated the salarious standard of fiscal wonderment!”

Makes your hair stand on end, doesn’t it.

The last word …

“When I read she was pregnant, I said, ‘Well, OK, I’m going to face two opponents at one time.”’

- Martina Hingis, whose first-round matchup at the U.S. Open was against Tami Jones, who was 15 weeks pregnant. Hingis won 6-0, 6-1.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo