Only, Not Lonely Parents’ Priorities Don’t Always Include A Large Family

One may not be the loneliest number after all.

It’s sounding pretty good to a growing number of parents these days.

Take Tammy and Joe Thomas of Kansas City, Kan., who are raising an only child - their daughter, 11-year-old Stephanie. Just a year after she was born, Joe had a vasectomy. Their family is complete, and they like it that way.

“We decided, because of finances and just the way the world was going, that we’d just have one,” Tammy Thomas, 31, said.

One-child families are on the rise nationwide, U.S. census data show. In 1984, only about 12 percent of women who had completed their families had just one child. In 1994 that percentage jumped to 17 percent. Women in this category in 1984 had 2.6 children on average. That number was down to less than two children in 1994.

For Rebecca and Steve Levine of Overland Park, Kan., having one was a choice based on their ages and their careers.

Rebecca, 44, a real estate agent, and Steve, 46, a car salesman, have one son, Tyler, who is 3 years old.

“It’s just more manageable for us,” Rebecca Levine says. “I really do enjoy my career, and if we had another child, my time with Tyler would just be divided further.”

Several factors are leading to the swell of one-child families, experts in the field of only children say.

More women are focusing on careers, delaying marriage and starting a family later in life.

Secondary infertility also is a contributing factor, as women delay childbirth and then sometimes have problems getting pregnant a second time.

Parents also worry about whether they’ll be able to financially support more than one child as they look, for example, at the high costs of sending a child to college 18 years from now.

That’s a big concern for Patty and Darryl Stroud of Overland Park. They have a 2-year-old son and don’t plan on having any more children.

“We opened up a bank account for our son when he was born, and probably will be able to send him to college,” Patty Stroud says. “There’s no way we could put a second one through.”

Parents also realize that in today’s world, the responsibilities of raising children has increased.

“There’s a heightened sense of responsibility in raising a child today,” says Carolyn White of Los Angeles, who publishes Only Child News, a newsletter for and about only children.

“It used to be you could have kids and they could roam free, just get on their bikes and be gone all day,” White says. “There are very few places where you can do that anymore. Kids have to be monitored, watched and supervised, and that takes a lot of time and energy.

“Some parents are looking at our complicated and overwhelming world and feeling they can only do a good job with one,” White says.

Big families started to wane in the ‘60s, and by the ‘80s, everyone seemed to be having just two. Now some couples are divorcing after just one child, another contributing factor to the growth of one-child families, according to researchers.

In Europe the one-child family is now becoming a popular choice. It’s chic in France, environmentally sound in Scandinavia, and even in traditionally Catholic countries such as Italy, small families are becoming more common, according to the European Union’s research statistical office, Eurostat.

In the United States, there is an explosion of literature for parents of only children. And White says her newsletter about only children, which began publication in January, has taken off, with more than 500 subscribers.

So are we going to become a society filled with the stereotypical selfish and spoiled only child?

No, researchers and parents say.

As more and more research is done on only children, stereotypes about them are being debunked.

Only children are no more maladjusted than those with siblings, says Tony Falbo, a researcher at the University of Texas at Austin and an expert in the field of only children. They actually seem to excel in many areas, such as school and social skills. In addition, time spent alone fosters creativity and independence.

Parents interviewed in Kansas City say they’re not worried at all about their child not having siblings. And they say they’re glad they’ll be able to spend time with them and help them get a head start.

Other parents say they don’t fear their child will be lonely, because they have lots of extended family and friends, or their child is in day care, where there is a lot of social interaction.

These parents are on the right track, says Carl E. Pickhardt, whose book, “Keys to Parenting the Only Child,” will be released this month by Barron’s.

“There are a lot of negative stereotypes about only children, which are not fair and can create a certain amount of guilt,” Pickhardt says. “That is just not an issue. The notion that if you don’t have another child that you’ll do a disservice to the only child - that is simply not true.” M For subscription information for Only Child News and other information about only children, access www.onlychild.com on the World Wide Web. Call the newsletter office at (213) 937-6815, or write the office at 137 N. Larchmont Blvd., No. 556, Los Angeles, CA 90004.