Youngest Child Controls Through Misbehavior
Q. How do we handle our youngest’s (age 3) controlling behavior, which keeps us from giving our older children the attention they need?
A. Is your youngest child controlling the action through misbehavior? In comparison with school-age kids, preschoolers are limited in the strategies available for getting parents to interact with them.
Because interaction with parents is absolutely critical to a child’s development, they will use whatever strategy works to get parents involved.
Misbehavior is what they know best. Parents need to teach them that cooperation and constructive behavior works better.
Preschoolers, especially the youngest in the family, face difficult dilemmas.
Their developmental task is to establish their independence. At the same time they continue to be very dependent on parental attention and approval.
All this occurs while their brains are not yet capable of controlling impulses. They walk a narrow path.
Parents can bring about a positive outcome of their preschoolers’ predicament by committing themselves to a plan of constructive interactions. This program takes more time and requires a concerted commitment; however, the results can be powerful and pleasurable.
Set aside time each day to interact with your youngest in positive ways. In his book, “The Challenging Child,” Stanley Greenspan recommends parents schedule “floor time” play with preschoolers, on their level.
Build with blocks, make farms and zoos, use dolls to teach your preschooler that cooperative play brings attention and approval. Kids’ self-esteem thrives when parents enjoy play with them.
Ask your preschooler to help with tasks you know she/he enjoys. Comment on the growing ability to cooperate and contribute. Praise generously.
Parental responses to kids are like holding up a big mirror that reflects who they are. Positive interactions reflect a picture of a happy, helpful member of the family.
Q. I have a 7-year-old granddaughter who is a very unhappy little girl.
She’s very insecure and may be showing signs of depression. She used to be very social, but over the past two years she’s lost all her friends. No one wants to play with her. When someone asks her to play, she refuses. She cries a lot and whines. Her mother had a small stroke recently and came home after five days in the hospital. She’s very clingy. She wants to be with you all the time, including in the bathroom and while sleeping.
She lies about everything. She saw a school counselor and told him her mom beat her with an extension cord. He reported it to Child Protective Services and they investigated. She admitted to lying. My daughter has never beaten the child. The most was a slap on the leg. My daughter asked my granddaughter’s doctor and the Family Service Agency for help, but neither had any suggestions. I take my granddaughter on weekends to give my daughter a break. Can you suggest some way to get help?
A. Your daughter could benefit from counseling, because having a serious illness creates stress and anxiety. It will be easier for her to get help for herself, and support for her will benefit your granddaughter.
Urge her to ask her doctor for a referral for post-stroke counseling. This should be covered by her insurance. The family programs available through the YWCA offer additional sources of help. Many community agencies offer parent classes, which both educate and support parents who are overwhelmed with parenting duties.
Your granddaughter may be reacting to your daughter’s illness and stress. Kids often feel apprehensive when a parent experiences a serious illness and hospitalization.
Anxiety about a parent often provokes dependence, depression and clinginess.
Your granddaughter’s world has been in considerable turmoil. Ask the YWCA if it has programs that your granddaughter may participate in.
Parents need to show patience with this anxiety and work hard at reestablishing a structured household routine. A stable home offers security and comfort to kids.