Try Confession For Your Soul
Q. I am a 23-year-old mother and wife. I love my family very much. When I was 18 I went through a period of rebellion and made some terrible choices. I became involved with an older man and got pregnant. Immature and afraid of what my parents would do and say, I let this man persuade me that abortion was the only way to deal with the situation.
Since then, I have had a beautiful baby boy and have a great husband whom I love dearly. But I cannot get over the overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame for what I did. I am so critical of everything I do, from being a wife and mother, to my relationship with God. I push myself so hard and set my standards so high that when I fail it just makes everything that much worse. I need someone to be honest and sincere on ways to help me out of this. - Duluth, Minn.
A. Your perfectionism is likely a psychological defense mechanism: As long as you obsess about what and how you are doing, you won’t think of the abortion and the guilt and fear of being found out. It is also your way of trying to “fix” the mistake, making up for a wrong in the past by being constantly right in the present.
Unfortunately, it’s not working. And, if left like this, your self-hatred will keep you from being the kind of mother, wife and person you are capable of. It has already made you feel estranged from God and uncomfortable about experiencing joy.
As they say, “Confession is good for the soul.” Please go to your religious counselor (minister, priest, pastor, rabbi) and talk about this. Each religion has procedure and ritual for dealing with guilt - no religion holds that a sin will not be forgiven if you truly have remorse, assume responsibility for your actions, attempt to repair and design never to repeat.
God gave you this gift of a family - take that as your sign of peace.
Q. I have dated a man for about 16 months. Three months ago we became engaged with the intention of marrying in six months. Two months ago, when it came to putting the money down on the ring, he told me he was worried that I would not be the woman he wanted later in life, or a good mother to children.
He also said he wants someone who works out regularly. He said that my midsection is not attractive, and therefore he is not as turned on to me as he could be. I am a size 10 with thighs that could be firmer, but I think that I am fairly attractive.
I love him and am glad that he is being honest with me about what he wants. He is willing to go to counseling to discuss this. Can counseling help? - Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
A. My guess is that counseling will reveal to you that he is not reliable, stable, psychologically healthy marriage material. You will then be able to move on without feeling that there is something wrong with you.
Too many folks stay in situations with rejecting, insulting and negative partners only because their insecurity and challenged self-image drive them to need acceptance. In that state of mind you can’t see the partner for what he really is.
Q. My fiance and I have agreed to limit our wedding’s guest list to close friends, aunts and uncles from both our families, totaling 80 invitees. How do I tell the rest of our family (cousins, etc.) that they cannot attend due to financial constraints? How do I apologize for hurting some feelings of some family members? - Austin, Texas
A. It is true that some folks will get upset for not being “chosen,” and no amount of caressing will help. Most of the more reasonable types simply need information. You might send an announcement card to the “uninvited” informing them of the event, expressing regrets that, due to limited resources, you and your fiance limited the guests to immediate friends and relatives. However, you might add that they are important to you both and you plan to have them over to your new home soon.