They Can Hardly Be Called Apologies

Dear Miss Manners: Apologies prefaced with the word “If” always seem lame and insincere to me. Am I wrong?

Gentle reader: “If”? If what?

“If I can do anything within my power to make it up to you, I would be immensely grateful if you would tell me what it is”?

“If I live to be a thousand, I will never forgive myself”?

“If it will be of any comfort, I want you to know that I have instructed my lawyer to put everything I own in your name”?

Miss Manners doubts that such apologies would offend you. They may be insincere, but they’re not lame.

Rather, she suspects you are talking about: “If I did anything wrong, I apologize.”

“If you took offense, I’m sorry.”

Or even, “If you took that the wrong way, that’s your problem, not mine.”

These apologies are lame - so lame that Miss Manners would hardly call them apologies - and she would not blame you for disliking them. Rather than assuming the blame, they place it on the offended person. But she wishes to point out that they are more than likely to be the sincere representations of the feelings of those who offer them. Much more likely, in fact, than are apologies that do the job of taking blame and expressing regret.

Dear Miss Manners: As the holidays approach, I am faced with the same dilemma. I make it a point to send Christmas cards to my non-Jewish friends, and Hanukkah cards to my Jewish friends. In return, I receive Christmas cards, sometimes with very holy religious pictures on them, wishing me a merry Christmas, which I do not celebrate.

My husband has suggested that I send Hanukkah cards to those who send us Christmas cards, as a way to let them know that we do not celebrate Christmas, but celebrate Hanukkah. We are always appreciative of those friends who do remember that we celebrate a different holiday. Do you have any suggestions as to how to handle this situation without causing any hurt or resentment?

Gentle reader: Yes: snowflakes.

As you know from your own feelings, there is something slightly intrusive about receiving religious wishes that you do not share, even though you must realize that they are meant as good wishes, rather than theological pronouncements. This is as true of a card depicting one’s own religion but sent by someone who does not profess it as it is for one depicting the sender’s religion that the recipient does not profess.

Presumably, all you want to do is to wish your friends well at the end of the year or the beginning of the next one. And that’s all they want to do for you. You would be well advised to do so without invoking religion, but also without brooding that your friends intend to do so.

Snowflakes are relatively uncontroversial. Even people who live in snowless climates take their existence on faith.

Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions except through this column.