Elves Would Be Busy

Thu., Dec. 17, 1998

By Paul Turner srpaulturner@gmail.com

It’s natural at this time of year to ask yourself one simple question: If I had elves working for me, what would be the first task I’d assign them?

OK, while you mull that, we’ve got a few suggestions.

1. Send them out to present cash rewards to any teen hanging out at the STA Plaza who manages to go two whole minutes without swearing.

2. Develop business plan for starting an online magazine serving convicted felons living in Spokane.

3. Produce a musical Christmas play called “The Littlest Furby.”

4. Deal with telemarketers.

* Slice answer: Brad Jostock, a night club manager, said the lead singer of the band Kidd Sister is the most stared-at woman in Spokane. Her name is Tracy.

* Reader challenge: Name 100 social practices twentysomethings mistakenly believe they invented.

* More Slice answers: Arlene Barnes is in her 60s now. But back when she was a kid growing up on the North Side of Spokane, she made some snow forts that she suspects might have been as good as any ever constructed in the Inland Northwest.

She used galvanized metal pails to mold snow into building blocks.

And Melissa Moore said no one in her family of four has any clothing adorned with the logos of sports teams. “We just don’t care,” she said.

* A short list: 1. You would never guess where Leo Ohanesian, president of Virtual Golf Inc. at 6512 E. Sprague, thinks business people who like to discuss deals on the golf course should go during the winter.

2. It’s mildly entertaining to watch misspellings of your name migrate from mailing list to mailing list.

3. For men of a certain age, hearing the late sports announcer Lindsey Nelson’s voice during a replay of a long-ago Cotton Bowl game is a powerful blast from the past.

4. At last count, 27 TV shows had used that Joni Mitchell Christmas song — the one with the line, “I wish I had a river to skate away on” — in an attempt to establish a mood.

* Feedback: Responding to a Slice item, a caller said that if a battle between skiers and snowboarders were waged on the basis of IQs, the skiers would win.

* Multiple choice: The layout of your office/work stations says …

a. “creativity center.”

b. “cringing loser.”

c. “affected zaniness.”

d. other.

* Today’s Slice question: How many readers of the Thursday IN Life section have never once seen a preview of some live entertainment offering that tempted them to consider buying a ticket?

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