Comparisons Could Lead To Trouble

Dear Miss Manners: My sister’s family recently traveled to me for our annual weekend visit which we had agreed would include an overnight excursion nearby.

My sister asked if I would be ready to leave at 3 p.m. on Saturday. I said yes, but reminded her that my adult son, who was traveling home to join us from another city, was not expected until 3 p.m.

At 3 p.m. that Saturday, the following occurred: My adult son, who had arrived at 2:45, was eating lunch.

My sister’s husband and my younger son were in the final throes of a board game.

I was breaking up the dying embers of the fire in my family room fireplace.

Our mother and my sister’s adult son were in the family room reading books.

My sister was venting her anger at me for not being ready to leave.

I responded to my sister’s anger by pointing out that no one but she had a need to leave at that moment, which did nothing to abate her anger.

My attitude toward people when they are on vacation is one of flexibility. I felt my sister’s attitude was rude, if not arrogant. However, I did not say so since I felt it would be rude to find fault with her behavior.

It has occurred to me that our differing attitudes are the result of our different personalities. I am a Type B middle child; professionally, I am a successful and respected college professor. My sister is a Type A first-born child; professionally, she is a successful and respected small-business owner who oversees 10 to 12 employees.

On the other hand, I wonder if there are rules of etiquette governing acceptable behavior in this circumstance, regardless of one’s personality.

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is loath to interrupt your mother while she is so charmingly reading by the fire, but she is afraid that the rule that needs to be invoked is one that your mother is surely experienced at delivering. It is: Will you kids please cut that out?

Yes, yes, Miss Manners understands that your sister started it, and that you, in contrast, exhibited commendable restraint in response to this unwarranted bossiness. But she fears that turning a burst of impatience into a comparison between your sister’s personality and career with yours might lead to worse trouble.

All you needed to do was to say, “Fine, I’m ready to go. You round up all the others.”

Dear Miss Manners: How can we tell a friend who is a wonderful woman and with whom we enjoy spending time that we don’t want to visit her home because it is filthy? She has one dog and three cats, and they all have the run of the house, which includes climbing on the kitchen counters and table. Just walking in the door turns our stomachs because of the smell.

Visiting in the summer is fine because we can spend most of our time outdoors, but in the winter, due to our climate, we’re forced to stay inside.

We don’t want to hurt her feelings, but we’re running out of excuses not to visit.

Gentle Reader: Rarely does Miss Manners suggest that one offer the absolute truth as an excuse, because it is apt to be so very unkind. But in this case, the truth would be best, although Miss Manners would like to withdraw that injudicious “absolute.”

You cannot say, “Your house is so unclean that the smell turns my stomach.” But you can say, “I’d love to see you, but I’m afraid I’m bothered by animals.” (Never mind that she will interpret this as being an allergy and wonder why all her friends are suddenly allergic.) “Why don’t you come to me this time, and I’ll come to you in the summer, when you entertain so charmingly outdoors?”

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate