Stuffy Can’t Describe Clinic For Bra-Fitting

Women happen to be my favorite gender, so I try to keep up with their culture. Yet on the following subject I am completely at a loss:

“Bra-fitting clinic!” trumpeted the ad in Wednesday’s newspaper. “March 3-7, Bali, Warner’s, Olga, Maidenform, Vanity Fair!”

What is this, Bra-lapalooza?

I’m sorry. I had no idea. After 44 years of life, the entire existence of bra-fitting clinics had somehow escaped me.

In fact, as I looked at that ad, I had trouble conjuring up a clear picture of what, exactly, a bra-fitting clinic might be. A closer reading of the fine print shed light on this point.

It said, “Let our certified fitters help you select the perfect bra.”

So it’s a kind of self-help seminar. A squad of trained professionals help you navigate through the complicated issue of selecting underwear. I can accept that. But this raises another question. What exactly does one do at a bra-fitting clinic?

I asked some women friends, and frankly, they were just as baffled. They, too, had never been to a bra-fitting clinic. They had always felt perfectly capable of selecting their own underwear. However, my women friends and I discussed this and decided that it must involve a lot of measuring, possibly some weighing, and some abstract research on structural engineering and load-carrying capacity.

Of course, there’s always the possibility that it consists mostly of trying on bras.

But it still raises one ultimate question: Do women really need bra-fitting clinics?

Is the bra that complicated? I mean, can’t the bra-fitting formula be distilled down to one simple number and one simple letter, as in 34-B?

After all, you don’t see men going to Underwear Clinics. Can you imagine the ad for that?

“Underpants-Fitting Seminar!” the ad might say. “Jockey, Hanes, Fruit of the Loom. Let our certified experts fit your manliness into one of our many designs! We’ll have a complete selection of briefs, boxers, athletic supporters, cups and cup-holders on hand. We even have shape-enhancers for the man who desires subtle augmentation. You’ll never believe how much better you’ll feel when professionally fitted into a snug set of custom shorts!”

Sorry. I wouldn’t be tempted by this seminar. I like to think that my underwear is my own business. I can pick out my own briefs based on a complicated equation, called Size 32.

On the other hand …

I have been noticing lately that one certain brand of underwear seems more comfortable to me. The elastic seems more forgiving, the fit less binding. I wish I had known this before I bought that other brand, the kind named “Acme Briefs, Slightly Irregular (Guaranteed Itch-Proof).”

Also, I’ve been meaning to try out some of the new underwear designs on the market today: The baseball-style sliding shorts, the mid-length briefs, the attractive long- underwear styles. However, there’s no way for me to actually try these out, short of having a special trying-on-underwear-festival at my local department sto…

Hey. Wait a minute. Could it be that there might be something to this underwear-fitting-clinic idea?

If it’s a plausible idea for briefs, it may be an even better idea for bras. To answer my previous question, yes, bras are that complicated. There are straps, snaps, clips, wires, space-age materials and for all I know, Global Positioning Devices. There are numerous stresses and forces to counteract. You have no way to know what’s best for you unless you go to some Bra Jamboree and check out all of the new devices out there.

So when it comes right down to it, a bra-fitting clinic is like an Auto Show. You’re buying something that will be part of your life for a long time. You need to test-drive it. You need to strap yourself in and see how snugly you fit into those bucket seats.

Maybe this isn’t such a goofy idea after all. In fact, now I’m feeling deprived as a male. Men have no Underwear-Fitting Seminar, and I doubt if we ever will. But can’t we at least have something? A jock-strap clinic? A cummerbund-fitting clinic? Anything?

, DataTimes MEMO: To leave a message on Jim Kershner’s voice-mail, call 459-5493. Or send e-mail to jimk@spokesman.com, or regular mail to Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review