Mir Mortals From A Space Station’s Temperament To Mike Tyson’s Appetite, From Marv Albert’s Wardrobe To Al Gore’s Phone Habits, The Human Comedy Followed A Bizarre Script In ‘97

What kind of year was 1997?

It was - in the immortal words of Al Gore, who began 1997 as a serious presidential timber and ended it fleeing through swamps pursued by federal dogs - a year with no controlling legal authority.

It was a year when Mike Tyson could chomp off a piece of his opponent’s ear during an internationally broadcast title fight and still not be the year’s most famous biter.

It was a year when, because of a lawsuit involving the president of the United States, we would hear distinguished political commentators publicly discussing the size, shape and distinguishing characteristics of the president’s … ummm … the president’s DOCTRINE, as in: “Check out the doctrine on that racehorse!”

But most important of all, it was a year that, thank God, had only 12 months, because that was frankly all we could take. In case you’ve forgotten how weird 1997 was, let’s take just a moment here to review the major news events, starting with …

January

… when the year gets off to a less-than-ideal start aboard the troubled Russian space station Mir as cosmonaut Yuri Hackov opens a bottle of champagne to celebrate the New Year, only to have the cork blast through the space-station wall, leaving a hole that would have sucked out all the air in minutes if cosmonaut Vladimir Fishkillnakov had not alertly plugged it with a wad of gum that he had been chewing since August in anticipation of just such an emergency.

In New Year’s college-football action, the national championship goes to Nike State University, which defeats the University of Nike in the Nike Bowl. To mark the occasion, the Nike Corp. generously announces that its Asian factory workers will receive bonuses averaging 50 percent of their weekly salaries, or 86 cents.

TRUE ITEM: Mattel is forced to recall its popular motorized Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids doll because of its tendency to chomp on children’s hair and not let go. (There is no truth to the rumor that the doll was originally called “Snacktime Marv.”)

In education news, the Oakland, Calif., school system decides to teach “Ebonics.” A lot of people be upset.

On the media front, NBC, in what some critics view as evidence of the continuing decline of TV news, announces that Bryant Gumbel’s replacement as co-host of “The Today Show” will be Pamela Anderson Lee. America Online’s new unlimited-use pricing plan is so popular that its telephone lines are swamped, with the tragic result that millions of distraught subscribers are forced to chat manually with their own family members. And speaking of technology problems, in …

February

… bad luck once again strikes the troubled Russian space station Mir when the main navigational computer is eaten by a rat. Fortunately, the plucky cosmonauts are able to navigate the craft manually, taking star sightings by holding their breath and sticking their heads out the cabin window for what a Russian space agency spokesperson describes as “very brief periods.”

In other science news, a group of Scottish genetic researchers, after a long night of drinking scotch, hatch a plan to tell the news media that they have cloned a sheep named “Dolly.” The news media naturally accept this claim with no proof whatsoever, and within hours the entire world has been bombarded with images of Dolly, who is immediately signed to a seven-figure deal to write a book in which she is expected to reveal that she was abused as a lamb.

In a Los Angeles courtroom, O.J. Simpson’s legal fortunes take a turn for the worse when members of a civil-trial jury, after carefully weighing the evidence, attempt to kill him with a chair. As the trial ends, experts fear the U.S. economy will suffer because of layoffs in the massive O.J. Industry, which currently employs one-third of the nation’s media and legal professionals; however, much of the slack is quickly taken up by the rapidly expanding JonBenet Ramsey Industry.

On the political front, President Clinton, in a press conference originally intended to launch his potentially historic War on Toenail Fungus, winds up answering pesky press questions about reports that his 1996 campaign raised money by selling sleepovers in the Lincoln Bedroom for $50,000 a pop. The president states that he has “no clear recollection” of running for president in 1996 and “definitely cannot recall meeting anybody named Lincoln.”

In labor news, pilots for American Airlines threaten to go on strike over the thorny issue of “why every single in-flight movie has to feature Steve Guttenberg.” The strike threatens to cause massive delays in commercial air travel. The day is saved at the last minute when President Clinton steps in and points out that massive delays are pretty much normal. Speaking of normal, in …

March

… problems continue to plague the troubled Russian space station Mir when all power is suddenly shut off as a result of an apparent failure by the Russian space agency to pay its electrical bill. Disaster is temporarily averted when an emergency crew arrives with a carpet, which enables plucky astronauts to generate their own static electricity by scuffing their feet.

In Washington, Clinton’s plan to launch a historic federal initiative against carpenter ants is postponed indefinitely when he breaks his leg while attempting to step over an enormous campaign contribution. Attorney General Janet Reno vows to have her office conduct a thorough investigation into the burgeoning campaign-funding scandal “just as soon as somebody tells me where my office is.”

A 60-year-old mystery is solved when pilot Linda Finch, retracing the route of Amelia Earhart in an exact replica of the famous aviatrix’s plane, finds Earhart herself still waiting for clearance to take off from La Guardia. In other aviation news, former President George Bush jumps out of an airplane and parachutes safely to the ground, only to be immediately recaptured by his Secret Service detail.

The month ends on a shocking note with the mass suicide of the California-based Heaven’s Gate cult, whose members believed that they were going to be picked up by an alien spacecraft accompanying the comet Hale-Bopp. In the wake of the tragedy, an angry but determined O.J. Simpson vows that he will not rest until he finds the comet that is really responsible. And speaking of space, in …

April

… history’s first “space burial” takes place when a commercial rocket blasts off carrying a satellite containing the ashes of 24 deceased people whose wish was to spend all of eternity peacefully orbiting the Earth. Everything goes smoothly until the satellite slams through the wall of the troubled Russian space station Mir, where efforts by plucky cosmonauts to repair the damage are hampered by the fact that they keep inhaling and sneezing out tiny fragments of “Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry.

April also sees one of the hugest stories in world history when Ellen DeGeneres, in a televised event that receives more worldwide attention than the first lunar landing, courageously reveals, on the air, that the letters in her name can be rearranged to spell “Slender Eel Gene.”

On the legal front, the tobacco industry goes on trial on charges that, for years, it has been making and selling cigarettes. The industry promises to produce expert scientists who will testify against “the totally unproved claim that just because you are a giant tobacco company, you are automatically involved with tobacco products.”

In golf, Tiger Woods wins the Masters and is awarded the traditional green Nike logo. Shortly thereafter, “Fuzzy” Zoeller lowers the sport’s previous one-day IQ record, with a 53.

The medical world is stunned when a 63-year-old California woman gives birth to a baby; what makes this event even more amazing is that the baby is 27 years old. In Scotland, genetic researchers announce that they have cloned an ant, which they name “Hester.” And speaking of science, in …

May

… astronomers are treated to a once-in-a-lifetime celestial extravaganza as the comet Hale-Bopp, having rounded the Sun and now leaving the solar system at 40,000 miles per hour, slams into the problem-plagued Russian space station Mir, seriously damaging the only piece of equipment on the craft that was still working, a Magic Eight Ball, which becomes permanently stuck on “Outlook Hazy - Try Again.”

In Washington, the Clinton administration and the Congress finally come to terms on an agreement to once and for all balance the federal budget. This is the 19th such agreement in the past 12 years, earning the United States the coveted international award for World’s Most Frequently Balanced Budget. But in a piece of bad news for the president, a court rules that Paula Jones can proceed with her lawsuit alleging that, as governor of Arkansas, Clinton showed her his doctrine.

In a highly controversial decision that, according to critics, is proof that the military justice system is out of date, the Air Force announces that it will court-martial bomber pilot Kelly Flinn on charges of being a witch.

In Scotland, researchers announce that they have successfully produced a 100 percent genetically identical clone of the movie “Jurassic Park,” which they name “The Lost World.” And speaking of lost, in …

June

… problems continue to plague the troubled Russian space station Mir when both the main and auxiliary toilets become massively clogged, possibly because for eight straight months the crew members’ diet has consisted exclusively of a special “space food” mixture of Spam and Tang, called “Spang.”

The campaign-finance scandal continues to burgeon with the allegation that in August 1996, Clinton sold Amway products from the Oval Office.

The sex-in-the-military scandal takes a turn for the worse when the entire membership of the Joint Chiefs of Staff is arrested in a raid on an establishment called “The Bazoom Room.” Clinton vows to “look into it.”

In other morality news, American Baptists vote to boycott Disney after a church investigation shows that Huey, Dewey and Louie are not really Donald’s “nephews.”

In sports, “Snacktime Mike” Tyson, in a fight with Evander Holyfield, commits an act so despicable, so repugnant, so loathsome, that the boxing authorities will probably not permit him to make millions of dollars boxing for, gosh, months.

TRUE ITEM: Strom Thurmond, who is honored in June for becoming the longest-serving U.S. senator, writes a foreword to a book by a former staff member, apparently unaware that the book, “The Day After Roswell,” contends that the United States won the Cold War with technology taken from an alien spaceship.

Speaking of other worlds, in …

July

… the NASA Mars probe Pathfinder lands on the Red Planet after a harrowing approach in which it narrowly misses the problem-plagued Russian space station Mir, which has wandered several billion miles off course after losing power to its thruster rockets, forcing the plucky cosmonauts to steer the craft by squirting condiment packets into space. Upon landing on Mars, Pathfinder releases its rover vehicle, Sojourner, which - in a demonstration of superb design and engineering - runs into a rock, deploys its air bag and files a lawsuit.

The Big Tobacco trial comes to a sudden and surprising end when the tobacco industry accepts a plea bargain in which it pleads guilty to a reduced charge of selling a pack of Kool Kings to a 17-year-old, and agrees to pay $233 billion to “every lawyer within a radius of 400 miles.”

Meanwhile, the economy continues to boom, primarily because of the millions of new jobs created by the telecommunications industry’s massive effort to change every area code in America every two months. And speaking of the economy, it takes a hit in …

August

… when a strike against UPS results in major headaches for businesses as well as sporadic acts of violence, the worst coming when angry strikers attack the troubled, and seriously off-course, Russian space station Mir as it inadvertently crosses a picket line in Akron, Ohio. The strike is settled quickly when Clinton, exercising his powers under the Taft-Hartley Act, informs leaders for both sides that if they do not come to terms immediately, he will commence hugging them.

Unfortunately, the president’s triumph is short-lived as the campaign fund-raising scandal continues to burgeon with the revelation that, during the 1996 presidential campaign, the entire second floor of the White House was dismantled and shipped in crates to the home of a wealthy California contributor.

In other scandal news, Congress decides to look into the growing problem of Medicare fraud after an audit shows that a group of St. Louis physicians collected $43 million for treating what investigators describe as “a routine bunion.” Strom Thurmond is abducted by aliens.

The month ends with pretty much the whole world watching TV and weeping.

Unfortunately, things do not improve much in …

September

… when sportscaster Marv Albert is tried on charges connected to an unusual personality disorder that causes him to suddenly transform into another kind of entity altogether, kind of like a werewolf, except in Marv’s case he is more like a werebeaver. Albert’s attorney, Roy Black, surprises the legal profession by going with a “mistaken identity” defense, contending that the victim was probably attacked by “some other Knicks’ broadcaster named ‘Marv Albert’ who wears women’s undergarments and has what appears to be an irate ferret clinging to his scalp.” But things go badly for the defense when the prosecution produces a surprise witness who also claims to be an Albert victim - Dennis Rodman, who, in a moment of high courtroom drama, turns tearfully to the defendant and says: “How come you never call?” So Albert is forced to plead guilty, only to be immediately pardoned by Clinton on the grounds that “a person should not be punished forever just because he makes a mistake that anybody could make, not that I am necessarily saying that I did, and if so it was a bureaucratic snafu.”

In education, Chelsea Clinton enrolls in Stanford, where authorities insist that she “will be treated no differently from any other student whose father has the authority to launch nuclear strikes.”

Ted Turner gives $1 billion to the United Nations, with “no strings attached.” In baseball, the Atlanta Braves defeat the New York Mets when, in a dramatic ninth-inning development, the entire New York outfield is captured at gunpoint by a multinational “peacekeeping force.”

In Scotland, genetic researchers announce that they have cloned a sock, which they name “Bob.” And speaking of research, in …

October

… the United States launches the Cassini space probe despite vocal opposition by protesters who are concerned that if something goes wrong, the probe could crash in a populated area and spew out its deadly cargo of “fen-phen.” Fortunately, the launch goes off without a hitch, and the mission proceeds flawlessly for several minutes, at which point the probe, now traveling at 17,000 miles per hour, somehow - in what astronomers later describe as “a one in a billion chance” - manages to miss the troubled Russian space station Mir. There are no contingency plans for this fluke occurrence, and Mission Control has no choice but to abort the mission and blow up the probe.

In entertainment news, the Media Hype Legal Event of the Month for October is “The Nanny Trial,” which is watched closely by audiences on both sides of the Atlantic, and which ends on a surprising and controversial note when an outraged O.J. Simpson vows to “find the nanny who is REALLY responsible.” And speaking of international controversy, in …

November

… the eyeballs of the world are once again focused on Iraq, where Saddam Hussein, the Wile E. Coyote of international tension, is suspected of constructing secret military facilities that, according to U.S. intelligence, will be capable, upon completion, of manufacturing “fen-phen.” The crisis is averted when Iraq, faced with the threat of overwhelming U.S. military force, is purchased by the Nike Corp.

In legal news, the trial of suspected Unabomber Ted Kaczynski takes a surprising twist with the introduction of a videotape that appears to show the reclusive 55-year-old former professor attending a White House coffee gathering. Attorney General Reno vows “to come up with some kind of vow.”

In a move that symbolizes the bold ideological resurgence of the Republican Party, Bob Dole gets a face lift.

In the month’s top “human interest” story, an Iowa woman gives birth to septuplets, then attempts to slug President Clinton when he tells her that he feels her pain.

The month ends with a heartwarming “high-tech” updating of the traditional Thanksgiving story as astronauts aboard the space shuttle Columbia successfully complete the first orbital transfer of a frozen turkey to hungry cosmonauts aboard the troubled Russian space station Mir. Unfortunately, the Mir oven is not working, and the cosmonauts make the questionable decision to cook the bird by exposing it to cosmic radiation until it is glowing like a beer sign. Within minutes after eating it, they begin to experience what Russian space officials describe as “a case of the nuclear trots”; cosmonaut Nikolai Wankov is also reportedly suffering from “a tapeworm the size of the late Nikita Khrushchev.” And speaking of problems, in …

December

… the burgeoning campaign-finance scandal takes yet another alarming turn when Vice President Gore is arrested for selling crack at the Lincoln Memorial. An indignant Clinton tells the press that he has “no so-called knowledge of any so-called Vice President Gore.” Attorney General Reno vows to drive a pickup truck across the country, sleeping in the back under a tarpaulin.

On the legal front, the U.S. Supreme Court, in a decision that observers believe may herald a more liberal era, votes 7-2 to get nose rings. In Los Angeles, a low-speed police freeway pursuit of a white Ford Bronco results, finally, in the capture of El Nino.

In the Middle East, talks break down over the issue of whether rock beats scissors. But aside from that, it is generally a peaceful time as the holy season is celebrated over much of the Earth. It is also celebrated aboard the troubled space station Mir, which turns out to be unfortunate inasmuch as two of the major elements of a traditional Russian Christmas celebration are (1) drinking vodka, and (2) lighting candles. As the resulting on-board fire rages out of control, plucky cosmonauts are able to get into an escape pod and jettison from the doomed station; Russian space authorities are unable to maintain radio contact, but report that the cosmonauts appear to be headed toward “a safe landing on the island of Montserrat.”

Happy New Year.

MEMO: Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him c/o Tropic Magazine, The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132.