Let The Super Hype Begin - And End - Here

Brace yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. After almost six months of NFL football, we now prepare for two weeks of nauseating hype (this column included) that will culminate in another boring slaughter of an AFC champion at the hands of an NFC behemoth.

We’re talkin’ Super Bowl, the annual American festival of gambling and cheeseball-eating.

This time it’ll be the mighty Greey Bay Packers thrashing the Denver Broncos, making the city of Denver the only five-time Super Bowl loser.

In the spirit of the occasion, here’s a one-shot look at Super Bowl XXXII that will save you time and brain cells during the next fortnight.

Quarterback comparisons

This will be the dominant theme of the next two weeks. It’s irresistible.

Denver’s 37-year-old John Elway (appropriate that we’d have an El-way in the year of El Nino) gets a chance to throw off that Ernie Banks image and finally win the big one. Elway, who is 0-3 in Super Bowl competition and has the largest teeth of any championship competitor since Nancy Kerrigan, will be the second-oldest quarterback to start a Super Bowl (Johnny Unitas was two months older). He is in his 15th season, still throwing strong.

On the other side, we have Brett Favre, the pride of Kiln, Miss., and winner of the NFL’s MVP trophy in each of the last three years (reporters from Denver are already invading Kiln).

Favre got his first Super Bowl ring last year and is white hot as the Packers get ready for the ultimate game. He didn’t kill the San Francisco 49ers with long TD passes, but Favre is playing mistake-free football, making correct decisions at every turn. No one has ever run to his left and thrown to his right with as much accuracy and duende as Favre. As good as Elway is, it would be impossible to take anyone over Favre in January of 1998.

Conference comparisons

Do not get sucked in to the “this year will be different” thinking. It’s a sucker bet. There’s a reason the NFC has won the last 13 Super Bowls, and it’s because the NFC is a much better conference. The average score in the last 13 years is 38-17, which is why Broncos fans should not be insulted to see Denver as a 13-1/2-point underdog. This year the Packers went 7-1 against playoff teams; Denver was 2-3. And the team Green Bay demolished in the NFC championship, the 49ers, killed Denver, 34-17, just four weeks ago.

Sins of the fathers

Elway has been around for three of Denver’s four Super Bowl losses, but most of today’s Broncos are in their first Super Bowl and will remind everyone that what happened before has nothing to do with them. Athletes would be ill-served to believe they are affected by the past, but they are. Today’s Broncos are direct descendants of those who spit the bit before them. The average score of Denver’s four Super Bowl losses is 41-12.

In 1988, Boston Red Sox outfielder Todd Benzinger said, “I don’t understand why people around here keep talking about 1946 and 1978 and 1986. It’s not like we’re related to those guys who lost. It’s not like we have the same genes.” The ‘88 Sox were swept out of the playoffs in four straight games by the Oakland A’s.

The San Francisco connection

Denver’s Mike Shanahan and Green Bay’s Mike Holmgren are both products of the 49ers System - just like Pete Carroll. Look for all kinds of stories about genius Bill Walsh and the West Coast offense.

That’s entertainment

It’s always a thrill to learn who’s going to sing the anthem and who’ll be on hand for halftime entertainment at the Super Bowl. Past anthem singers include gay-bashing Anita Bryant, the late Marvin Gaye, campy Barry Manilow, the once-naked Vanessa Williams, and the inimitable Kathie Lee Gifford. Up With People used to be regulars at halftime, but the most regrettable show had to be when Michael Jackson pranced about the stage in the company of dozens of children.

Duelling celebrations

The Packers have perfected the victory vault into the stands, but Green Bay players prefer to do this trick at Lambeau Field. The Broncos invented the touchdown salute, which plays well in the military-industrial complex that is the NFL.

Garb

The Packers have great old-timey uniforms, virtually unchanged since the days of Vince Lombardi. Thy also have fans who wear Cheeseheads. The Broncos have brand new uniforms that make every player appear to be engulfed in a swoosh sandwich. Bring back the Orange Crush.

In summary …

There you have it, sports fans. Everything you need to know. Now sit back and ignore the hype. Only 12 more days till kickoff.