Don’T Get Softball, Life Confused

Tue., July 14, 1998

By Paul Turner srpaulturner@gmail.com

There was this guy living in Spokane a few years ago who complained that the office where he worked lacked energy and esprit de corps.

He once said he wanted to do his job in an environment where people routinely high-fived one another.

His mistake? It’s simple. He had confused real life with softball.

I watched most of a fast-pitch men’s game at Franklin Park on Sunday afternoon and I’m here to tell you: The two are very different things.

Here are just a few of the ways.

Real Life: Success is often determined in subjective, unpredictable ways.

Softball: After you hit a home run, your teammates line up, raise their arms and give you forearm-bump salutes after you cross home plate.

Real Life: A few mustaches.

Softball: A lot of mustaches.

Real Life: People occasionally reward you with praise for a job well done.

Softball: Teammates and other onlookers yell “C’mon baby” and “You can do it, Wild Man” before you even take a swing.

Real Life: Who-cares shoes.

Softball: Cleats that sound incredibly cool when you are walking on concrete.

Real Life: After you’ve been on the job for a few years, workplace jargon stops being sexy.

Softball: Hearing things like “Wait for a pitch in your zone” never gets old.

Real Life: Yes, there occasionally is beer and pizza.

Softball: But it’s more fun if you also get to listen and modestly wave away the praise as your teammates say things like, “I swear, Featherstone, that fourth home run you hit looked like a cruise missile.”

Real Life: Affectations and pretensions tend to get spotted and derisively commented on by others.

Softball: Imitating the fidgets and gestures of big-league ballplayers is fine.

Real Life: Complaining too much brands you as a whiner.

Softball: Giving the umpire some grief shows that you are willing to stand up for truth and justice.

Real Life: People tend to call you “Mr. Williamson” or “Ken.”

Softball: People call you “Robo” or “Beanie.”

Real Life: Machine tools, cash registers, quarterly reports and computers.

Softball: Aluminum bats, leather gloves, grass stains and batting helmets.

Real Life: High percentage of handshakes involve someone trying to sell something to someone else.

Softball: Handshakes are often genuinely friendly.

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