Cheap Seats

Cover your heads, but not your eyes

The Minnesota Twins are planning to distribute 7,000 hard hats to fans seated in the lower left-field bleachers Friday, when Mark McGwire takes batting practice before the interleague game with the St. Louis Cardinals in the Metrodome.

Of course, those plans could be scuttled if McGwire makes good on his threat to cut back on BP.

Owners clearly prefer Bud Light

Interim baseball commissioner Bud Selig insists that published reports of his impending coronation have been greatly exaggerated, which can only mean one thing, according to Peter Schmuck of the Baltimore Sun.

Selig, who often says no when he means yes, will soon put his ownership interest in the Milwaukee Brewers in trust and become the first baseball commissioner to serve a full term since, well, Bud Selig.

In other words, nothing has changed and nothing will. Selig has been the world’s highest-paid telephone operator since he filled the leadership vacuum left when the owners forced former commissioner Fay Vincent out of office six years ago. Selig rules by conference call, taking the pulse of ownership on every issue and taking the heat when the consensus becomes a curse - as it did during the last labor war.

It’s no wonder that, among the owners, he might be the most popular commissioner in history.

Yeah. Where would we all be with grumpy baseball owners?

Picky, but not that picky

Chicago Bulls guard Steve Kerr, when asked to clarify whether he had said he will refuse to play for any team unless Phil Jackson is the coach:

“No,” Kerr said. “What I said was, I refuse to play for any team that doesn’t offer me a contract.”

Don’t touch that dial

From comedy writer Alex Kaseberg:

“I can’t believe all of the fights at the World Cup. The only time a fight breaks out in the U.S. over a soccer game is if someone at a bar tries to turn it on.”

Hurdling the language barrier

New York Yankees pitcher Hideki Irabu recently broke into laughter when a teammate’s joke was translated for him.

“That’s the difference between this year and last year,” said Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter. “This year, he has a funny interpreter.”

World Cup, what World Cup?

Bernie Lincicome of the Chicago Tribune on the U.S. soccer team losing to Iran in the World Cup:

“The elimination of the United States from the (World Cup) will come as somewhat of a surprise, since so few Americans had any idea we were in it.

“It’s kind of like hearing about a friend’s wedding after the divorce.”

Movie of the week

The movie “Six Days Seven Nights” opened recently. Said comedy writer Jerry Perisho: “It’s the story of Mike Piazza’s career with the Florida Marlins.”

Will the sequel be “Two Weeks in Another Town?”

The last word …

“It’s totally out of hand. I feel like a caged animal.”

- Mark McGwire, speaking about the circus atmosphere that surrounds his batting practices.