Daughter Needs More Than One Friend
Q. My 11-year-old daughter came home from school in tears because her best friend deserted her for another classmate. This same friend has done this before, and each time it happens my daughter gets upset for several days.
This “best friend” usually returns, only to decide to leave again. I have tried to explain to my daughter that this friend isn’t someone she should waste her time on, but my daughter is very loyal to her. What makes matters worse, this ex-friend starts saying mean things about my daughter, according to the other classmates. My daughter is very bright and really enjoys school, except for her girlfriend problems. How I can I help her keep from getting so upset? What’s the best way for her to deal with the gossip?
A. The best protection against the pain of being deserted by a friend is to develop several close friendships. If your daughter depends exclusively on one best friend she becomes vulnerable to the whims of that girl.
The goal is to help her divide her need for attachment among a few close friends and her favorite activities. Arrange special events for three or four of her friends. Adventures such as picnics, camping trips and sleepovers help create new attachments.
Encourage her to participate in sports, the arts, science, and crafts. These activities build confidence and give her opportunities to make new friends who share these interests.
The best response to gossip is to tell the messengers, “Wait, if you are reporting something bad about me, I’d rather you didn’t tell me.” Kids usually know when put-downs are coming, and your daughter should try to stop the reporting before it starts.
If the destructive words do get delivered, tell her to respond by commenting on the gossiper, not the gossip. For example, “You mean I’m the person she talks about? If she doesn’t have anything better to do than gossip, she should get a life.”
Explain to your daughter that any effort to defend herself against malicious talk, gives her critic more power. Whenever a person takes a defensive position against unfair gossip, she is taking the words as serious statements that deserve her attention.
Tell her to smile and brush the news aside as if to say, “Whatever she says is not to be taken seriously.”
Members of groups who are jockeying for positions of leadership and loyalty often indulge in putting others down. Tell your daughter to rise above these tactics by showing others consideration and kindness and enjoying activities.
Q. My 7-year old stepdaughter cries very easily. If I ask her to brush her hair, or put on her shoes she often bursts into tears. She also gets up in the middle of the night and plays in her room. She reads books, builds forts in her closet, and plays with her animals. We tried to stop this by putting all her books and toys in the garage and removing the night light.
Nothing worked. She doesn’t come in our room at night, however we often hear her moving about in her room. My husband said her mother, (who died in a car accident several years ago) was very unstable, as were other members of her family. What do you advise?
A. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist who treats children. Getting up to play in the middle of the night is unusual. Chronic sleep disturbance and excessive tearfulness are two symptoms of depression. Doctors are becoming increasingly aware that many young children suffer from depressive disorders. Ask about the antidepressants that boosts levels of serotonin in the brain.
These medications are not addictive and can be very effective. Low levels of this transmitter hormone are associated with depression.
Taking her books and toys out of her room is not the answer. She is likely to feel she’s being punished for a problem she can’t help. When you find her up, tell her to get in bed and read if she’s unable to sleep.