Don’t Exclude With Noninvitation

Dear Miss Manners: We are four graduate students of both sexes sharing a large house in a university town. One of us owns the house, but other than collecting the rent, does not claim any special privileges. Each of us has a private bedroom, but the kitchen, living room and dining room are shared.

One of my housemates hosted a stand-around-and-chat sort of a party with music and snacks - vaguely like a cocktail party without alcohol - without inviting any of the residents of the house.

One housemate in particular was miffed. She and the hostess are members of the same organization and consequently have many of the same friends. She did not like the idea of being compelled to leave the house for the evening or lock herself in her room so that a group of her friends could gather in her living room.

Because she feels there is no proper way to complain to a hostess for failing to invite one to a party, she has not discussed this. Their relationship has cooled to a point which can only be described as arctic.

The following week, the same housemate hosted a potluck dinner party in the house, again not inviting any of the other residents. She chattered on about the special delicacy she was going to contribute, and assured us that we would have the opportunity to try it because there probably would be leftovers.

Other residents of the house probably would have declined if invited, but perhaps they should have been invited anyway.

I have on occasion “invited” housemates by saying, “I would love to have you, but I am afraid you might be bored.” This often results in the housemates declining without feeling slighted. (Of course, sometimes the housemates accept.)

The keys to making this work are 1) seeming sincere in wanting the housemates company if they are willing to sacrifice an evening to attend the potentially boring event, and 2) treating the housemates as welcome participants if the invitation is accepted.

Personally, I would never dream of giving any sort of a party in any private home without inviting everyone who lived there, whether permanently or as a houseguest. I can’t think of a polite way to state or imply the message: “I would like to have a party in your home, but I think the party would be improved by your absence, so find somewhere else to go that evening.” I know my practice is acceptable, but is it required?

Gentle Reader: Is this a rooming group or a group marriage?

Wait. Miss Manners would like to withdraw that question - but not because it sounds like a more interesting inquiry than she intended.

It is the wrong question because even members of a happy family should occasionally be able to entertain their own guests at home without including the entire household. And no one is supposed to sulk if not invited to be a fifth at bridge, so to speak.

By definition, people who live together already like one another (Miss Manners is tactfully ignoring those who are plotting escape), and therefore, the issue is one of using rooms rather than misusing feelings.

Although, your bit about improving the party through someone’s absence is indeed an unfortunate one, Miss Manners can think of a way of saying the same thing politely: “Does anyone mind if I use the downstairs on Tuesday to have some people over?”

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate