Though Painful, Stay Out Of It

Dear Ann Landers: I am a widow, age 68. My daughter, “Janet,” has been married for 25 years to a conservative, kind, hard-working man. “Jim” is a good father to their two sons, who are now in college.

I have never asked my daughter about her sex life, but she recently volunteered some information that upset me. Janet told me she loves Jim, but he was never very good in bed, and she felt somewhat “deprived.” Then, she dropped a bombshell. She has been seeing a divorced man for 10 years and visits his apartment once a week. She says she is in love with him.

Believe it or not, Jim knows about her infidelity and has not protested. To make matters even more complicated, Jim is having an affair with a woman he works with. Janet knows about it and does not object.

Jim and Janet have no desire to separate or divorce. They seem quite content to allow this situation to continue forever. They went to a marriage counselor early on, but nothing was accomplished because neither wanted to change anything.

I have begged Janet to make her marriage complete instead of accepting these affairs, but she doesn’t want to give up her lover, and her husband refuses to stop seeing his woman friend. I am really conflicted about this and need your guidance. Should I keep trying, or should I stay out of it? - A Concerned Mom

Dear Mom: I can understand why this is painful for you, but apparently no one has asked your opinion. My advice can be found in the last four words of your letter.

Dear Ann Landers: A while back, you printed a letter from someone whose 86-year-old uncle was still driving against his doctor’s advice despite repeatedly failing the driver’s test. I’d like to share my family’s experience.

Grandpa was 85 and still driving even though he had been involved in several minor accidents. None of those accidents was reported to his insurance company because he paid for the damages out of his pocket. My family became concerned. We tried to get the state to revoke his license or get his insurance taken away, which would have given us an excuse to insist that he stop driving. Nothing worked. All we could do was pray for Grandpa to come to his senses before he killed someone.

One night after a dinner at my parents’ house, Grandpa got into his car, which was parked right behind my mother’s car. Idiotically, we stood in front of him to wave goodbye. Grandpa accidentally placed the car in drive, and it jumped forward. We tried to scramble out of his path, but he panicked and hit the gas instead of the brake. Both Mother and I were pinned between his car and hers.

My mother is now disabled from a nearly severed foot. My leg was crushed, but I recovered the use of it after several surgeries. The real tragedy was that although Mom and I were able to forgive him, Grandpa was never able to forgive himself. His phone calls and visits stopped. He could not face us. That accident ended our relationship.

Please, Ann, tell all elderly drivers who insist on driving to ask themselves this question: Is the freedom to drive worth the risk? - Mesa, Ariz.

Dear Mesa: I have been beating that drum for years, but it hasn’t done a particle of good. Many elderly drivers are loathe to give up this last vestige of freedom. Whenever I have suggested it, they tell me to MYOB. Meanwhile, their children and grandchildren are holding their collective breath and crossing their fingers.