Cheap Seats

At least wait for the smoke to clear

After starting the year 0 for 31 at the plate, Pittsburgh’s Mark Smith broke his drought with a double on May 19.

Then, he was taken out of the game for defensive purposes. “You hate to come out when you’re hot,” he said.

Hot Stove League gives way to Microwave League

Mike Piazza’s short tenure with the Florida Marlins continues to provide comic relief.

Greg Cote of the Miami Herald writes:

“My, but time flies, don’t it? … Thanks for the memories, Mike. I’ll be looking forward to that retrospective - Piazza: The Marlin Minutes - airing on ESPN tonight from 8 to 8:01:30 p.m.

“You know how baseball lingo refers to a short stay as a ‘cup of coffee’? This fella wasn’t here long enough for the water to boil.”

Piazza continued

On the flight from Florida to New York after he was traded by the Marlins to the Mets:

“The guy next to me said he had to hurry up and get to the ballpark to see this new catcher the Mets got. I asked him if he was any good and he said, ‘I don’t know.”’

They’re a natural for Huggies endorsements

The wife of Akebono, the Hawaiian-born sumo wrestler, gave birth to a 7-pound, 7-ounce daughter.

Said Steve Rosenbloom of the Chicago Tribune: “But Akebono wants it made clear that he wears the diaper in the family.”

Cross-dressers preferred

Henry Schulman of the San Francisco Chronicle noticed a sign above the entrance to Dennis Rodman’s Illusions restaurant in Chicago that read: “Proper attire required.”

Said Schulman: “I was frightened to ask exactly what that meant.”

The air is heavier

The winning long jump at the Pacific-10 Conference meet last weekend was 24 feet, 10-1/2 inches. UCLA’s Jackie Robinson jumped 25 feet in the 1940 meet.

True, but today’s jumps aren’t adjusted for smog.

Whose derriere have you kicked lately?

The upcoming World Cup in France has elicited frenzied emotions from the London tabloids.

The Daily Star became agitated when the French allegedly didn’t allot a suitable number of tickets to the Brits.

“A good kicking on their Gallic derrieres is the only language the greedy Frogs understand,” huffed the Star, which cited England’s military conquests at Waterloo and Agincourt as precedents.

Obviously, England has no timetable in reveling in its military achievements. The battle of Waterloo was fought in 1815; the engagement at Agincourt in 1415.

Joke of the millenium

U.S. Soccer Federation president Alan Rothenberg claims to have a “vision on a grand scale” that will result in the World Cup championship in 2010.

The Cubs will win the World Series first.

The last word …

“FATS INCREDIBLE” - N.Y. Post headline after David Wells’ perfect game.