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Bringing up Cowboys

After a spate of embarrassments involving Dallas Cowboys players and dancers at topless clubs, team owner Jerry Jones hired a former player, Calvin Hill, to advise his players.

“We don’t tell them where to go and what to do,” Hill says. “We just give them the tools to be responsible.”

That’s what we were afraid of.

Can eight be enough?

If Juan Gonzalez of the Texas Rangers wins the American League’s MVP award, he ought to dedicate it to Detroit Tigers pitcher Bryce Florie.

Gonzalez is now 8 for 8 lifetime against the former Spokane Indians right-hander - with no singles. The score stands at five doubles, a triple and two homers after Gonzalez bombarded Florie with four extra-base-hits and seven RBIs on Aug. 31.

“He hit every pitch I had,” Florie said. “Four hits - four different pitches. I think I’m going to throw my glove at him next time.”

Just can’t get no respect

The Denver Broncos were told that defending the Vince Lombardi Trophy would be the hardest thing they would ever try, but this is ridiculous.

They lent it to the Colorado State Fair, only to be told that it had fallen out of a display case and ended up with a thumb-sized dent.

Who is this guy, anyway?

Question: How are you supposed to tell the difference between Mike Jones of the St. Louis Rams and St. Louis Ram Mike Jones?

Answer: The Rams will play Mike D. Jones on their defensive line and Mike A. Jones at linebacker, but NFL rules prohibit the team from placing the middle initial on the back of their uniforms.

Said Mike Jones: “When the public address announcer says: ‘Tackle by Jones,’ I think I’ll jump up first, so I can pad my stats.” Um, was that Mike D. Jones or Mike A.?

Will we miss Bud this much?

When the baseball owners elected Bud Selig commissioner July 9, his Milwaukee Brewers had a winning record, 43-42, and were only nine games out of first place.

Since Selig’s election, for which he had to place his ownership in the team in a trust and relinquish operation of the club to his daughter, Wendy Selig-Prieb, the Brewers have staggered to a 23-33 record and have plummeted 22 games from the top.

Latest arresting development

As enthusiasm peaks in Mark McGwire’s and Sammy Sosa’s pursuit of the home-run record, so does the level of insanity among collectors.

A 21-year-old man, Sumair Sattar, was jailed in lieu of $30,000 bail in Wood River, Ill. - for stealing four McGwire rookie baseball cards from a local store.

“They are worth about $200 each if we sold them now,” said store owner Chris Pyle. “If McGwire breaks the home-run record, that might go to $350 or $400. If he doesn’t, it might go down to $100.”

The last word …

“If we won and he was 0 for 5, he sulked. He’d make a great Dodger.”- A former teammate assessing possible free agent Rafael Palmeiro