Introduce Yourself To Other Singles

Dear Miss Manners: Someone I know takes the liberty of writing “2” on a wedding invitation response, even when the invitation didn’t say “and guest.” I wouldn’t do that myself, but attending alone has often made for a restless, short evening.

I have wished that the hosts would introduce me to other singles or to a couple willing to include me in their group for the evening. But I know that making sure everyone has company would be just one more burden in an already overwhelming day. The obvious answer of never sending an invitation without extending it to “and guest” sometimes just isn’t in the budget.

Gentle Reader: You won’t believe this, but way back before the invention of that horridly anonymous “and guest”; even back before the invention of the horrid response card, single people (this was even before the concept of “singles”) used to adore going to weddings alone.

The reason they had such a good time was that they were all dressed up, looking their best, filled with champagne and set loose among a crowd of other eligible people - her friends, his friends, her relatives, his relatives - with whom they were expected to socialize. Bringing a date would curtail all that socially acceptable flirtation.

Miss Manners is not as quick as you to excuse hosts who neglect their hostly duties on the grounds that they are busy getting married. They should at least delegate someone to make sure no one is stranded.

But guests also have duties, starting with not introducing freeloading strangers into the situation, but also including socializing with the other guests. If you were to go around introducing yourself to other reception guests who appeared stranded, you might have a better time.

Dear Miss Manners: Once or twice a year, my husband and I throw a large party. We are having a disagreement on how the invitations should read because of experiences we have had in the past.

Typically, I do all of the organization of these gatherings. Despite requesting an RSVP three days before the event to plan for food, a number of our friends crash our soirees. For one party, 40 people RSVP’d, and 70 people showed up that night. We ran out of food, and I feel the people who actually followed the rules by notifying us of their plans to attend were penalized.

My husband believes that if we run out of food, it’s no big deal and that we should just go to the supermarket and get a bag of potato chips and a tub of guacamole. Unfortunately, I’m the wife, so these tactical problems usually reflect on me and not him.I would like to change the format of our invitations to include only the dates, but not the times and location, of our parties, and include a line stating that the remaining information will be delivered when the RSVP is received. I hope this will give me an accurate head count in advance. My husband believes that this is treating our friends like irresponsible children and we should be willing to run out of food.

What format should we use with the invitation? Or is there another strategy that you recommend?

Gentle Reader: How about changing the format of your guest list? Just keep track of who does you the courtesy of answering your invitations, so you know not to invite those irresponsible children next year.

But first Miss Manners urges you to reach an agreement with your husband about the format of the party. The so-called “open party,” where anyone who hears about it can walk in with no prior arrangements, is given by teen-agers when their parents are out of town. The idea is to attract irresponsible children. Adults generally prefer to entertain people whom they know and expect.

Judith Martin is the author of “Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings” (Crown).