Prepare For Impact Change May Bring

I never thought good news could turn my 17-year-marriage into a nightmare,” says Alexa, 39, who recently returned to graduate school after staying home to raise her twin daughters, who are now 15. Last year, when Alexa applied to a prestigious psychology program at the local university, the whole family was thrilled for her.

“Over the years, Lloyd had often commented that I’d sacrificed my career goals - first to put him through law school, then to stay home with the girls so we didn’t have to worry about child care,” she explains.

“But barely four months into our new schedules, Lloyd and I are fighting all the time.”

“If dinner isn’t ready, he grumbles that he’s being neglected.” And when she’s trying to study or finish an important paper, Lloyd will complain that she forgot to do something she was supposed to do.

Alexa is befuddled. “We’ve always had a good marriage. We’ve always talked, always supported each other. Didn’t he realize, she asks, that life would change when she went back to school? “We talked about it,” Alexa says, “but I guess the reality never sank in.”

Alexa does admit, however, that, at times, she’s more anxious and on edge than in the past: “Last week, I yelled at him and at the girls, and right now I can’t even remember what I got so worked up about,” she says.

Lloyd, age 40, is defensive about his actions and feelings: “I’m very supportive,” he insists at first. “I told Alexa she was too smart to stay home year after year. But now, he admits, things at home have changed more than he anticipated:

“Okay, I’m a creature of habit. I don’t love coming home to an empty house. I miss my wife.” But Alexa doesn’t realize that she’s changed, too: “Maybe because she is worried about keeping up her grades, but she talks to me in a way she never did before,” Lloyd says. Most of all, he misses the time they had together: “Now we’re like the proverbial ships passing in the night,” he laments. “I can’t remember when we had a quiet evening at home to just do nothing.”

When good news shakes a marriage

“Alexa and Lloyd, like many couples, don’t understand the impact that change can have on even a solid marriage,” notes Marc Snowman, a marriage and family therapist. “In fact, they were both stunned to discover that even good news and happy events can have a disruptive jolt.”

If a change, even one for the better, has taken place in your life, the following tips can help you and your spouse better understand each others’ needs so your relationship stays on course:

Recognize that change of any kind is stressful. Even good news can trigger upheaval. Anything that takes time and attention away from the marriage means that couples have to work harder to restore those key elements.

For instance, change often requires that schedules shift and couples rejig their roles. What’s more, they may have to adjust their expectations regarding the amount of time they will spend together and how they will spend that time. Understanding this and not rushing to blame your partner or yourself, is an important first step in dealing with change.

Consider the patterns you’ve been exposed to. An ability to adapt well to change is a temperamental quality; some people are capable of tolerating it better than others.

If you were raised in a chaotic family with little structure, you may crave stability as an adult and react poorly to any kind of change. On the other hand, if your parents handled change with aplomb, they modeled good coping skills for you, which you probably carry with you.

Look at change as an opportunity. Instead of viewing the changes in your life as negative ones, reframe your thinking so you see the opportunities that may be lying right in front of you.

Plan time together. In times of transition, establish some kind of rituals or routine you can both count on for comfort. Alexa and Lloyd did this by consciously carving out time together. Instead of assuming that the weekends would be couple time, as it had been, these two had to sit down and schedule time to be together. Knowing that they could look forward to shared time, helped these two feel closer.

Really listen and talk. Maybe your spouse does have a legitimate gripe. You may not believe it or even understand it initially, but you must allow him to express it while you listen. Plan time to talk about how you’re both adjusting to and feeling about a change.