Daughter Struggles With Divorce
Q. I find it difficult to understand my 16-year-old daughter’s pulling away. As the estranged mother, I want the relationship to resume with love, patience and understanding. I fear losing her and fear she is learning wrong ways of dealing with others and herself at the hearth of her father. The problems in the marriage nearly destroyed my self-esteem. Now when I have found the personal strength to guide her more appropriately I am denied her attention. I struggle with accepting that she may not be ready to learn the valuable lessons I could now teach her. I have been corresponding and sometimes seeing the man I was engaged to in college. My daughter blames him for my not fixing my marriage, and for choosing him over her. I wait patiently for her attention to my positive displays of attention and affection. I have not enforced the terms of our parenting plan calling for her to be with me 50 percent of the time. Any advice?
A. Continue showing your love and caring. Kids need time to grieve the loss of the family. She’s struggling with the pain of you and her father splitting.
Anger is one of the stages of grief, and divorce has many similarities to a death in the family. Searching for someone to blame often makes grief more bearable.
Don’t feel you have to defend your actions or your relationship with your old friend. Let your daughter express her feelings without recrimination or correction.
Let go of the desire to impart new-found wisdom. This is not the time to share significant insights about your growth or past regrets. These conversations may make you feel better, however, kids of divorce often find these discussions stressful.
Invite her to events or activities that you know she likes. Focus on having fun rather than trying to clarify the changes that have taken place.
If she prefers living with her father, accept her decision. The choice of with whom to live is one kids hate to be handed. Any decision is painful for them.
Maintain your warm support during these turbulent times. She will always be your daughter and temporary distance does not mean a lifetime of loss.
Q. My 7-year old son gets mad at me when I remind him to do his chores or let him know he cannot go play until his chores are done. He chooses his chores and has the opportunity to change if he wants to but he still resists strongly. Any suggestions?
A. The major reason to teach kids to help with chores is to honor the principle that kids are part of the family team and should share in the work, the wealth and the play. Parents shouldn’t do all the work, while kids do all the play.
A second goal is to teach them how to carry out responsibilities. When you show them how to clean to their room or put away toys you are teaching important lessons in organization.
Offer him a choice of a few jobs that suit his age and are helpful to you.
For example, he could put his belongings in his room, put the outside toys away, take all the papers to the trash or set the table each night.
Let him choose a task that will be his chore for one week. He cannot change this assignment until the following week.
Establish a time when he has to have his chore completed, for example, before dinner or evening television viewing. The more structured your plan, the easier it is to enforce.
Kids generally see chores as undesirable interruptions in their free time.
That’s a normal reaction to the call to duty, however blowing up is not acceptable. Tell him if he blows up he’ll have to spend seven minutes in time out and still do his chore.
Try a system of rewarding him for doing his chores without grumbling. Offer him treats or treasures for a job well done. Tell him merit pay is a well-known way to reward good workers.