Ease Heated Arguments With Marital Timeouts

“When I discovered that Paul had told our three small children they’re 7, 6 and 3 there was no Santa Claus, I didn’t know whether to cry or scream with rage,” confesses Joan, 34, a former elementary schoolteacher in a voice barely audible.

“Kristin, who’s 7, came to me in tears asking if it were true. I was horrified that he hadn’t discussed anything with me first. But, to be honest, this past year has been such a nightmare that it was par for the course.

Joan feels she’s living with a total stranger:

A few months ago, her husband had what he describes as a “conversion experience.” “He awoke one night and heard God talking to him, urging him to speak out for the unborn,” she recalls.

“I had no idea anything out of the ordinary had happened that night.” But the next morning, when she went downstairs to make breakfast, she discovered she was living with a fanatic.

“Overnight, Paul had become unbearably outspoken about religion and every other issue he feels is a crime against God.

Joan feels her whole life has been turned upside down. Paul wants to leave their church for a more orthodox one, drop the study group Joan loves and send their children to parochial school. But even more upsetting is the fact that the man she used to be able to talk with and laugh with has now become a zealot with only one interest: making her and everyone else see the world the way he does.

“We are fighting constantly and ferociously,” she says. “Neither of us believes in divorce, but how can I go on living like this?”

Paul, 35, a 6-footer who still looks like the college football player he was, can’t understand why his wife, whom he loves desperately, is fighting him on this issue:

“I’ve had a transforming experience and I want to share that with Joan and others. Yet instead of understanding, instead of working with me, Joan is angry, hostile and volatile. I don’t understand her either.”

In fact, Paul thinks Joan is the one who has changed:

“She used to be a caring, loving person who took her faith seriously. Now, when I talk to her about God, she thinks I’m nuts.”

To each his own: quelling hot arguments

“Though Joan and Paul were highly polarized when they first came to see me, their crisis is not as uncommon as one might think,” says Mary Ellen Lester, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist.

“Across the country, we’re witnessing a religious revival as millions of people search for a way to live a more meaningful, spiritual life. Paul’s conversion and the intensity of his proselytizing may have been more passionate than most; however, when one partner becomes much more fervent than the other, when one desperately wants to share his energy and enthusiasm with an unresponsive mate, it can shake the integrity of the marriage.

“Indeed, Paul’s often self-righteous behavior left no room in the relationship for Joan, who felt alienated, alone and angry.

“Nevertheless, whether a couple is battling over religion, politics or a partner’s unhealthy diet or smoking habit, neither one has the right to hound a point or to adopt his or her point of view, no matter how passionately he feels about it.

“The only way to live harmoniously under such circumstances is to be sure that you communicate your feelings and really listen to your partner’s feelings. However, if you and your partner find that conversations quickly escalate to heated arguments that make negotiation impossible, learn to call a marital timeout. Here’s how to do it.

“Call a marital timeout when arguments escalate quickly. The first person who realizes a conversation is veering toward the destructive must call for a break and specify how long the timeout will be.

“Use your timeout to calm down and to ask: What is my spouse trying to say? What’s really going on here?

“The simple, basic framework helped Joan and Paul tremendously. They felt for the first time that they were able to keep volatile subjects under control. They each took comfort knowing that an important conversation wouldn’t be swept under the rug and ignored and they were able to negotiate realistic compromises that didn’t leave either one feeling blindsided.

“Freer now to voice her thoughts, Joan has stopped criticizing Paul’s religious beliefs and Paul has stopped bullying her and others into thinking the way he does.”