Accept Differences For Successful Bond

“Until a few months ago, I wanted a baby so much, but now I don’t know if I could expose a child to my unhappiness,” says Kelli, a 32-year-old financial planner.

“My mother-in-law, Dora, resents me because I’m not Brazilian, and it’s tearing us apart.

“Dora stays with us all the time, even though she only lives a half hour away,” Kelli adds. “When she and Michael get together, they always speak Portuguese, and I suspect they’re discussing me because I hear my name.”

Michael, the 37-year-old son of Brazilian immigrants, doesn’t understand why Kelli is upset. “When my wife met my family, she accepted them without question - though, yes, sometimes they behave badly,” he says. “Now she objects to them. I know my mother can be smothering, but I can’t control her.”

Kelli and Michael, who have been married only a year, admit their cultural differences are part of their problem. Ironically, their contrasts were what initially attracted the couple to each other two years ago. “I developed an immediate crush on Michael, an orthopedic surgeon who practiced in the same office as the orthopedist who was treating my injured knee,” remembers Kelli. “Michael would always ask me how my knee was doing. Then one day, he politely asked for my phone number.”

For the next six months, the two dated. Then Kelli invited Michael’s mother for dinner, and right away she sensed she didn’t approve of her. “I’m sure his mother thought I was completely wrong for her son, me being a blond, blue-eyed Kentucky native,” she says.

Despite the awkward meeting, Kelli believed their relationship could still work.

After nine months of dating, Kelli suggested they get married. “Michael said it would be difficult, but I said, `Don’t be silly. Let’s do it.’ ”

Eloping that same weekend in Key West, Fla., the couple spent a three-day honeymoon snorkeling and sunbathing. When they returned to his Miami home, Michael called his mother to tell him that he had married Kelli. Dora hung up the phone. Panicked, Michael rushed to his mother’s house to smooth things over. He brought Dora back home to spend the night - and his wife was none too pleased.

That dismal night was only the beginning of a troubled year. Adjusting to married life was all but impossible with Dora in the picture. Michael had given his mother a key to their house, and Kelli often came home from work to find her mother-in-law straightening up and basically invading their privacy.

“To me, Kelli’s complaints about my mother are justified but boring,” says Michael. “I’m far too busy to be their mediator and translator. Maybe Kelli should try talking to Mom - I know she understands more English than she lets on. Or maybe Kelli should take a course in Portuguese; after all, it is part of my culture.

“All of us have differences, but a relationship is about accepting your partner’s strengths and limitations,” explains Diane G. Sanford, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist who specializes in marital therapy. “Michael’s mother is only part of the problem here; the real issue is that these two married without really knowing each other. Kelli seems to have compromised because she wanted to be with Michael, and she didn’t address some important factors beforehand.”

Sanford suggests that Kelli confront her husband about setting limits on his mother’s intrusiveness. As for Michael, he needs to actively help alleviate the tension between his wife and mother-in-law, instead of acting like a helpless victim.

To help things along, Michael made Dora give back his extra key and made her promise that she wouldn’t drop by their house without calling first. He also speaks only English to his mother when Kelli is around.

Kelli has accepted the fact she and Dora may never be good friends, but they do get along better now. Now that their relationship is on track, the two have happily begun trying to start a family.

If you and your partner have differences that you can’t seem to resolve, Sanford suggests you ask yourselves:

What initially attracted you to your spouse? Why did you chose this person as your mate?

Were some of your current problems present in your relationship before you married? Did you expect that your partner was going to change after the marriage?

Have you experienced similar issues in past relationships?

What do you like or dislike about your spouse?

From this point on, what do you want out of your relationship? Are you willing to accept your spouse for who he or she is? How much are you prepared to change to improve your relationship?