Lighten Wife’S Load, Restore Intimacy

“Craig’s father, Richard, drops in on us whenever he wants. Most of the time, he doesn’t even ring the bell,” says Faye, a 34-year-old social worker and the mother of a 5-year-old daughter. “I’ve told Craig I’ll go crazy if I don’t get some privacy, but he won’t do anything about it.”

Richard, 66, is a a retired chemical engineer. After his wife’s death, he sold his home and moved into the cottage behind Faye and Craig’s 19th-century Pennsylvania farmhouse. Though Craig’s younger brother, Hal, visits from Chicago once a month to look in on their dad, Faye says that still doesn’t give her and her husband enough breathing room.

“When Hal visits, Craig wants to be with him, too,” she says. “Sometimes I think he’d rather be with the two of them than with me.”

Faye and Craig married in 1992; their daughter, Tori, was born two years later. But their joy was tempered by sorrow when Craig’s mother developed breast cancer soon after.

His mother passed away after three years, and the couple invited Richard to live in the cottage. “I guess I was a little naive,” says Faye. “I never thought Craig would allow his dad to dominate our lives, but that’s exactly what happened. Besides barging in any time he sees fit, Richard seems to think it’s OK to drop his laundry off with me once a week.

“I want to scream!” Faye continues. “I’ve got a full-time job and a child. I don’t have time to do someone else’s laundry, too…”

The tension between the couple has taken its toll in the bedroom. “When Richard comes over in the evenings to play with Tori, he never leaves,” says Faye. “Craig will stay up and watch the news and talk shows with him until 1 a.m. By then, I’m too exhausted and angry for lovemaking. And having sex in the morning is out of the question when I’m trying to get Tori ready for preschool… .”

Craig, a 36-year-old architect, is tired of hearing his wife’s complaints. “Dad’s been lost without Mom, and he needs us right now,” he says. “Faye has to be more sympathetic to his situation. Sure, sometimes I wish Dad would stay in his own house so I could have more time with Faye and Tori, but I don’t feel right about kicking him out… .”

Craig feels his father’s needs are small compared to everything Richard has done for him. “Faye seems to forget that my parents are the ones who paid for our wedding and helped us put a down payment on our house,” he says. “You think the least she could do is help with his laundry. It’s not that big of a deal - she’s already doing our family’s wash…Faye knows this won’t go on forever, so why can’t she just be patient and accept the situation for now?”

“I don’t want to have to ask Craig to choose between me and Richard,” Faye replies. “I just want a private life with my husband.”

“Craig has got to step up to the plate and draw some boundaries with his father if he wants to salvage his marriage. Expecting his wife to nurture everyone in the family is only hurting their intimacy,” says Wayne Sotile, Ph.D., a relationship counselor.

Not only is this family still going through the grieving process (which usually lasts three to four years), but Faye and Craig are also in their seventh year of marriage, a high-risk time in which many couples become disillusioned with each other and eventually divorce, adds Sotile.

“Perhaps it’s time for this couple to work on getting back their closeness and possibly bring Hal into the picture to help out with Dad,” Sotile says.

During their early sessions with their counselor, both spouses, Faye especially, felt angry and resentful. Faye said she didn’t feel appreciated or cared for, while Craig felt his wife was too self-involved and martyred to see things from his perspective. However, both were willing to do whatever it took to improve their marriage.

The therapist urged the couple to brainstorm ideas for improving matters at home. Faye suggested they give Richard his own key, and ask him politely if he could give them advance notice before coming over. Though Craig felt uncomfortable about posing the question, he was pleasantly surprised when Richard said, “No problem.” He also agreed to take care of his own laundry to lighten his daughter-in-law’s workload.

Once Faye and Craig had changed the role his father played in their lives and marriage, their relationship became much more relaxed, fun and loving. “We’re best friends again,” said Faye.