Your Complaint Covers Up Real Reason
Dear Miss Manners: My son is divorced after a short, stormy marriage. He and my former daughter-in-law have a young child. Each year, she and her side of the family and my son and his side of the family get together to celebrate my grandson’s birthday. This year, her boyfriend came to the celebration. She and her boyfriend together presented my grandson a gift.
After the party, I told my husband that I was surprised that the boyfriend would attend and that his attending was in poor taste. My husband saw nothing wrong with the boyfriend being present. What do you think? I am considered to be an old-fashioned thinker.
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners has that reputation herself and cannot fathom why it is not considered a compliment. Yet she cannot quite follow your argument of its being poor taste for a divorced lady’s suitor to show an interest in her child.
Perhaps it is the suitor himself who is in poor taste, or other liberties he is allowed. That, however, you cannot hope to control. To attempt to do so using the pretext of his presence at the child’s birthday party is likely to antagonize both your grandchild’s mother, never a good idea, however tempting, and the disappointed grandchild, which would render it impolitic as well as futile.
Dear Miss Manners: I hope you will agree that it is rude to discuss with the neighbors (or anyone outside the family) how dirty a house is that one has just bought.
A lovely elderly lady recently moved from our neighborhood. She was frail, but she tried to make her house nice for the buyers, so I was very offended when our new neighbor, not long after the “hellos,” began telling us how dirty his new house was.
Of course I won’t tell her, but if he says the same to other neighbors, she could hear. I know she would be hurt.
Many people who aren’t rude generally seem unable to realize how cruel such remarks are, and often, they do get back to the former owner. Moving is difficult and stressful. Not everyone can leave a house immaculate. Those who aren’t satisfied with the cleanliness of their new home should hire a housecleaning service and say nothing about it.
Gentle Reader: Indeed they should, and Miss Manners is not excusing them when she notes that the lapse is a failure of imagination. As your new neighbor’s predecessor was of necessity not in the neighborhood by the time he moved in, he has been unable to comprehend that she nevertheless was a neighbor to the rest of you.
Should you care to make this point politely, Miss Manners suggests slipping it in as a bit of kindly orientation to the neighborhood. Pleasantly said, a reply of, “Oh, we’re not the kind of neighbors who criticize one another’s housekeeping,” should offer reassurance as well as deliver a gentle warning.
Dear Miss Manners: I was always told one does not tip on alcoholic beverages when dining out. Can you set me straight?
Gentle Reader: Someone had better before the bartender does. Miss Manners regrets to inform you that you were misinformed.
Dear Miss Manners: If you are asked to go walking with someone (spouse) for exercise, is it rude for him to wear a portable radio with earphones when you are accompanying him?
Gentle Reader: In the interests of marital harmony, you might try talking yourself into the idea that it is so flattering that he wants you to go walking with you that you can overlook his making sure it doesn’t include talking with you. That instead of shutting out your voice, he is supplying romantic music with which to contemplate the happiness of having you by his side.
Good luck on that. Personally, Miss Manners would not be able to manage it.